THE VAULT

Yours in War and Peace
September 4, 2006 by The Colonel

President Bush, we hardly knew ye.

On the eve of September 11th, a film will debut depicting the assassination of a great man. A man of virtue and honor, intelligence and sense, persistence and vision. Who is this great man? Is it John F. Kennedy? Is it Martin Luther King, Jr.? Could it be Abraham Lincoln? No. It is George Walker Bush, 43rd President of These United States. Many may wonder, how can this be? Who could want to harm such a beautiful, gentle man? Who?

The answer lies across the pond, some 3,000 miles (4,800 kilometers) away on the swampy isle known as “Great” Britain. Yes, these people known for their terrible food, poor hygiene, and funny accents have not only dreamt of the death of our greatest President of all time, they have, in fact, made a film about it.

Tapping in to the pulse of the nation is what we, here at Slantmouth, are all about. We eat apple pie and excrete red, white, and blue. Our intimate relationship with the bulbous, cholesterol-encrusted heart of this great nation allowed us access to this personal letter from America to Great Britain.

Dear Great Britain,

Hello, old friend, and how are you? I don’t mean to be sentimental, but indulge me for a moment, if you would. I remember a time when I was just a kid on the world’s playground. Snot running down my face, skinned knees, and a devil may care attitude. We fought back then- you the head master, and I merely the student. Not unlike many other schoolhouse brawls, our fight ended in a friendship tried and true.

We certainly have had our ups and downs together, you and I. Two World Wars and over three hundred years later, but I have to say, I would’ve assumed we’d be a little closer now, but it feels like we couldn’t be further apart. You’ve pulled out of the whole “colonizing game” and, apparently, I’ve jumped into it. You appear to have yet to learn that queens are pointless figureheads, and I’ve yet to learn that Presidents are. What more can I say? I learned it from watching you.

Nevertheless, I digress. I’ll cut right to the chase, as that’s what you’ve come to expect from me: Your citizens are completely out of control, GB, and I’ve had enough. I love your people almost as much as you do, but they’ve crossed a line. Sure, I’ve always found your women to be homely and your men quasi-gay, but they’ve always held a place in my heart. It’s when they start making threats to Our Dear Leader that I start to become concerned.

But first, let me talk about the terrorists, because I know we’re both concerned there. This being a mere week from 9/11, you must know terrorism’s place in my mind, but you- you’re actually breeding terrorists, GB. What’s up with that?

After a long tradition of polite, if not subservient people, these recent outbursts, are quite alarming. Train bombings? Liquid bombers? My people can’t take water, let alone cleverly disguised cocktails, aboard an airplane anymore! We are a thirsty people, GB, and the paltry cup of ice water the airlines provide does not quench our parched lips. Not to mention the fact that restricting water is simply retarded when one could fill a soap mold or pack of Bubble Yum with C4 and blow anything sky high.

Admittedly, my people don’t think of such things, but they also don’t try to blow things up. I am not a terror farm. I don’t breed terrorists. In my opinion, everyone in the world is guilty of terror breeding except me. Well, me and maybe Aussie, but she’s so inbred she can barely speak let alone plot.

Honestly, I think you and the rest of the world have lost your values. Your people seem to hate my people. It’s just like Yoda said; anger leads to hate, hate leads to pain, pain leads to terrorism. I just wish you would start to pay attention to things in movies and on TV over here, GB. It would do you a lot of good, American media is always right.

Look, I’ll simply say this- something is going to have to be done about these filmmakers. We had Michael Moore, but even that unwashed yeti had the decency to avoid fictitious assassination. Regardless, he’s been contained, and with your filmmakers, I suggest that you step in before I have to. We both know what happened last time I stepped in some place, GB, and I don’t want a repeat of that. Since invading an enemy didn’t help my popularity, I don’t think that bombing Big Ben into a molten pile of debris will.

Something to consider, Britty, just something to consider. Mull it over and drop me a line.

Yours in War and Peace,
America

P.S. Let me know when Ireland’s throwing his next kegger,
I’ll bring the burgers, just make sure he invites Brazil, ok?

She was totally eyeing me up at that conference last month.

Relations between the US and Great Britain are sure to sour after this pithy correspondance. We can only hope that they will put controversial films and terror farming aside to usher in a new era of international awesomeness.

~The Colonel