THE VAULT

Viva Le Toilet Revolution!
November 26, 2007 by The Colonel

Amazing. Snow Globe/Toilet.

Here at Slantmouth, we pride ourselves at being on the cutting edge at all times. Vast amounts of energy are spent every day here as we tirelessly gleam the cube of technological advancement. From weapons systems to patent-pending breakthroughs in home and garden, Slantmouth isn’t just about providing quality news to the people who need it most, Slantmouth is about innovation.

One place clearly lacking innovation (other than the bedroom, Mr. Serpentine’s excluded, that freaky bastard) is the bathroom. More specifically, the toilet, so when we were looking for ways to innovate, our greedy eyes found The World Toilet Association.

The main function of the WTA is to provide, if it wasn’t obvious enough, toilets. More specifically, toilets to people who don’t have toilets, like the homeless. It is undoubtedly unclear what poor people would do with toilets, but the project would cost roughly $10 billion a year, or according to CNN, the amount Europeans annually spend on ice cream.

South Korea is currently leading the revolution, trying to establish a “toilet culture” where contests for the cleanest restrooms will be held, and photos of these restrooms would be displayed for all to see.

Who, one may ask, is the champion of the clean toilet? Look no further than parliament member Sim Jae-duck; or, as most people know him, “Mr. Toilet”. Apparently South Korea has a unique way of honoring their heroes.

In a rousing speech, Mr. Toilet, pounding the podium said, “Long have we waited for this time to come!” As the crowd’s raucous applause and cheering died, he continued, “This isn’t just about clean toilets any more. We, brothers, must join together to form a more perfect world. We will wipe corruption from the face of the earth and flush tyranny forever down the drain. The restroom revolution will provide hope and happiness to mankind!”

With this, Jae-duck leapt from the stage into the hands of the crowd, surfing atop them while they chanted, “Mr. Toilet! Mr. Toilet!” and that’s about when Slantmouth jumped off the WTA bandwagon.

As great as it is that Mr. Toilet and the rest of the world is uniting for the sake of clean toilets, and that CNN is covering it, couldn’t the world get really passionate about something other than really clean asses? Something like cancer would be awesome. Of course, far be it for us to complain, our lavatories are, as a result, completely pimped out.

~The Colonel