THE VAULT

USA: Die Ok!?
June 19, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

They're Sending Giants to Smash down the Capitol.

Everyone’s least favorite Korea has once again riled up the international community. Apparently jealous from the lack of attention, in lieu of a terrorist corpse making guest appearances on several cable news outlets, North Korea is preparing a test firing of their long-range missile technology.

The more unsavory of the two Koreas will reportedly be testing its Taepodong-2 missile, pronounced type-o-dong. This missile has the capability to reach the United States if equipped with a light payload, using its patented two-pronged Taepodong attack. A heavier payload would no doubt decrease the missile’s trajectory but would increase its destructive potential. If fired on one of its neighbors any crying would be over more than a little spilt milk.

North Korea has been under a self-imposed moratorium on nuclear missile testing since 1999. The last rocket fired was in August 1998, which flew over Japan’s territory. With a renewal of tests, Japan has grown concerned and is willing to take drastic measures in the name of national security. If a test does take place, Japan’s Foreign Minister Taro Aso promised that the country would “naturally file a stern protest [with the United Nations] and it will be fierce”. North Korean officials were left fearful by Japan’s vigorous letter writing campaign, proving definitively that the pen is mightier than a nuclear payload to the face. Though this generally is only the case if a nuclear-powered pen is thrust downward in a stabbing motion.

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like We Won the Cold War!

North Korea announced during a communist party celebrating Kim Jong-Il’s forty-two years of political service, that it is only developing a “military deterrent” against an attack from the United States. They claim that Uncle Sam is “hell-bent on provocations for war”. These allegations have drawn confusion from the international community. The events of recent years have time and again shown the US government to be a peace-loving group committed to making the world a better place for themselves and even friendlier corporations. When the government and corporations are in the same room there is so much hugging and kissing that it’s a little uncomfortable to watch, but as long as you can stand to look, you can easily see the government’s loving nature. Uncle Sam is a generous lover.

Regardless of the actual facts, North Korea continued to push ahead with their violent agenda stating that the North “Korean army and people will mercilessly wipe out the aggressors”. Which aggressors? Uncle Sam is too busy rendezvousing at a bed and breakfast in Nantucket to be an aggressor. Sure, maybe Sam had some bad relationships in the past. An angry old flame or two may have spread a few rumors. We assure you, those are just rumors.

He Didn't Mean YOU, North Korea!

Uncle Sam did his best with Ms. Afghanistan and Ms. Iraq but sometimes things just do not work out as planned, especially if there is no plan. Sure, Sam used to be really broken up about the whole mess but he only meant to help. Everyone makes a few mistakes. That does not mean that Uncle Sam wants to bear down on you or invade your borders. He doesn’t even want to hold your hand. So, just get over yourself North Korea.

It is clear that you want attention but you are going to have to get it from somewhere else. Uncle Sam is busy these days trying to patch up things with Ms. Iraq and help her get back on her feet. Unfortunately, Ms. Afghanistan was left out in the cold but Sam is no two-timer. He learned his lesson a long time ago. He is exclusively a one-country man and he does not have time for your petty attention-getting stunts. So it would be greatly appreciated if you would stop leaving weird messages on Sam’s cell phone and stop hiding behind the bushes. He is not interested, and frankly, it’s a little pathetic. Go drop your payload on someone who gives a damn.

~Julius Serpentine