THE VAULT

The Provocative Pyongyang
October 9, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Hurray! Sanctions!

The game of chicken between North Korea and the rest of the world has come to a head, with North Korea announcing the successful completion of an underground nuclear test. The international community has universally condemned the test and White House spokesman Tony Snow, slowly licking his lips, stated that the test was a “provocative act”.

Neighboring countries have confirmed that there was a seismic disturbance with a magnitude of 3.58 on the Richter scale, which is more rattling than what is usually associated with “provocative”. Despite the bone-shaking blast there were no radioactive leaks detected, postponing the threat of an army of four legged North Korean babies for at least a few more years.

President George W. Bush called several leaders of North Korea’s neighbors to discuss the nuclear test and begin laying out a game plan. Slantmouth, using our highly placed sources, brings you the unedited transcript of this conference call.

President Bush (USA): Hello?

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (Japan): Hello?

Bush: Hello? Is there anybody out there?

Abe: Yes. This is Prime Minister Abe. How are you Mister President?

Bush: Oh. I’m great. I mean, besides this whole Foley thing. I don’t know how many more stories I could take about a grown man asking a bunch of teenagers about the size of their… you know…

President Roh Moo-hyun (South Korea): Their junk?

Bush: Exactly! Who said that?

Moo-hyun: President Roh Moo-hyun of South Korea.

Bush: So…uh…how’s it goin’ in South Korea? You guys doin’ OK after that nuclear test?

Moo-hyun: We’re not too happy about it. It’s a very volatile situation. It demands immediate and decisive action.

Abe: Yes. We’re staring into the abyss of a new, dangerous nuclear age. We’re not too fond of nuclear weapons in my country. We’ve had some bad luck with them in the past.

Bush: Nuclear weapons are just too powerful for any country to have that doesn’t respect the sanctity of human life. North Korea has to be dealt with.

Abe: What do you think we should do, Mr. Bush?

Moo-hyun: Come on, Shinzo! Isn’t it obvious? They have weapons of mass destruction. There is only one option!

Abe: You’re right! What was I thinking? We’d better start organizing the invasion force. Let’s start some sort of coalition.

Moo-hyun: Yes! Excellent! We’ll call it the Coalition of the Willing: Redux!

Abe: Can we count you amongst our ranks, President Bush?

Bush: Are you bastards crazy? They have nuclear weapons! We can’t invade them!

Abe: But…?

Bush: No one in their right mind would invade a country that has nuclear capabilities. It’s dangerous and stupid. Aren’t you guys supposed to be good at math? Nuclear weapons + invasion force + North Korean communist leader’s tremendous head size = bad mojo.

Moo-hyun: You’re right. I never noticed how big Kim Jong-il’s head is. It’s like he has elephantitis of the skull.

Bush: No kidding! It’s like he’s a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. He’s probably going to go corner the Spongebob Squarepants balloon into a dark alley and pull a Mark Foley!

Abe: Hey! I like Spongebob!

Moo-hyun: Apparently, so does Kim Jong-il!

Bush: Nice one, Moo! I’d give you a high-five through the phone if it were possible.

Moo-hyun: Thank you, Mr. President. I graciously accept your high-five and counter with a fist pound.

Abe: OK, let’s get serious guys. Remember the nuclear test. Focus.

Bush: You’re right, Honest Abe. Let’s just let the UN Security Council deal with them. Maybe put some sanctions on them.

Moo-hyun: Shouldn’t we be more aggressive with North Korea, like you are with Iran, Mr. President?

Bush: Iran and North Korea are completely different.

Moo-hyun: How? Because North Korea actually has weapons?

Abe: Doesn’t that mean they’re more of a threat?

Bush: Didn’t we already talk about this? Do I have to explain the equation again?

Abe: Right. I almost forgot about the equation. Ahmadinejad’s head isn’t even half as big as Kim Jong-Il’s. I think he could fit three of Ahmadinejad heads into his mouth at one time.

Moo-hyun: I see your point, President Bush. Ahmadinejad’s relatively normal sized head makes Iran eminently more attackable. I don’t know how you come up with such incredible analysis tools, like that equation.

Bush: That’s why I’m the one who makes the decisions.

Unfortunately, China’s President Chen Shui-bian was busy on a call with North Korea’s leadership to tell them that they were being a bunch of “jackasses” and they shouldn’t jeopardize the foreign aid that they receive that feeds millions of North Koreans. They could even spend the money used by their nuclear program to help feed some of their own citizens, who will be the only people affected by the UN sanctions that will no doubt be placed on the country. Slantmouth is just glad international law considers collective punishment a war crime. It is the only way we can sleep at night.

~Julius Serpentine