THE VAULT

The Pains of Acclaim
October 12, 2007 by The Colonel

As most of you are most likely already aware, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize this week. The staff here at Slantmouth thought that was pretty awesome, and we hope you think that’s pretty awesome, too. He’s done a lot for things like the environment, and the world, and well, beards. We sent our very own reporter in the field, Roger (he’s like Madonna, Cher, or even Prince. He only needs one name), to record the event in Stockholm, Sweden; live from none other than the man of the hour, the tower of power, the guy who makes global warmers glower, Al Gore.

Roger: He’s approaching the podium. Alright, he’s starting.

Gore: Sure. A lot of people are saying how great it must feel to win an Emmy, an Oscar, and the Nobel Peace Prize. But I can tell you, it has its downsides. For example, I can’t get a good night’s rest sleeping on all the trophies and medals I’ve won. I used to have a great sleep number bed (my number is 65 – thanks Select Comfort!), but since I’ve replaced that with a pile of awards, I haven’t had a minute of sound sleep. Those things are pointy! Hasn’t anybody ever thought about making the Oscar out of pillows, or Emmies out of kittens? Anyway, thanks for this… which one is it again?…oh yeah, thanks for the Nobel thing, it’s really great. Hmm… it seems to be made out of some kind of hard metal… could we get that wrapped in felt or something? Thanks so much, you’re doing a great job. Anyway, I couldn’t have done this without other people, blah blah blah, God is kickass, save the earth, and I’ll see you all again at the next awards ceremony! Wattup Tennessee!

Roger: There you have it. Truly moving.

We have to agree. Sometimes, success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We keep the skulls of our defeated enemies as trophies, so trust us, our nights are equally filled with tossing and turning. Damn those awards by-laws and the 1987 “requirement to sleep on awards, trophies, medals, and miscellaneous ribbons” clause. Our collective backs are killing us.

~The Colonel