THE VAULT

The Odd Couple Out
February 25, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

I'm so frickin' bored... can I retire now?

After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80’s to retire, as Castro has, there is a lot of living to make up for. Watch out ladies; Fidel is here and there is no feeling like the touch of his luxurious beard against your skin.

Meanwhile, President Bush is running out the clock as President of the United States. Certainly, the last seven years have been a real resume-building experience for Bush, but it is doubtful he will be working any sort of conventional job. Still a relatively young man compared to Castro, Bush has plenty of party left in him. Years of clean Christian living have left the man repressed and ready to return to the party animal of his youth. There is no Michael J. Fox movie that serves as a better metaphor for Bush than Teen Wolf.

With two eras coming to an end so close to one another it seems there is an opportunity to heal the relationship between the United States and Cuba. At the most recent Democratic party debate, sponsored by Univision and a ring full of luchadors, the first question pertained to the retirement of Fidel Castro. Sadly, neither Obama nor Clinton were willing to unconditionally change the relationship. McCain, undoubtedly, would not change anything either as he is elderly and if there is one thing the elderly hate, it is change. And eating solid foods. Just ask Fidel Castro, who has for years tried to stay youthful by eating the blended remains of his political enemies.

In Cuba, Fidel Castro’s brother, Raúl, has taken over and will likely stay the steady course of his older sibling. It does not seem likely any major changes are poised to occur on either side. The only people who truly have a chance to change anything are Fidel Castro and George W. Bush. While some may find relying on either world leader to be less intelligent than asking Amy Winehouse to look after your cocaine, what other choice is there?

We here at Slantmouth are bridge builders. We seek to bring people (and countries) together, sometimes with extreme acts of violence. However, it is not always necessary and there are other options. One such option is to throw the biggest joint farewell/toga party this world has ever seen. If Bush and Castro were able to unite to host an amazing party as a cap to their respective eras, the perception of what was possible would change. It would be the sort of earth-shattering event that could bring Nazis and Jews together at last. [After running several computer simulations, it seems this would in fact not bring Nazis and Jews any closer together. -ed]

If this plan is to succeed it must begin now. Ten months, which is about how long Bush has left as President, may seem like a long time, but there is never enough time to plan a large celebration using taxpayer money. The Nixon farewell dinner was, for example, completely crap.

Slantmouth hopes that the party does happen and that two countries are united by their desire to have a little fun. Besides, using extreme acts of violence as employed by the CIA has already failed. It probably seemed like a good idea to send Fidel Castro’s mistress a box full of explosive condoms at the time, but maybe a different tact might work better now. If not, we can always hope Castro gets an awful STD at the party.

~Julius Serpentine