THE VAULT

The King and I
July 3, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

The King of Bloat

On occasion, your friendly neighborhood Slantmouth staffers wish to bring you unfiltered content from the world’s political leaders. This is not because we are lazy and would rather not bother coming up with our own content. No, faithful readers, this is because we want to bring to light a multicultural view that is often shunned from lesser Multimedia Juggernauts than Slantmouth. We want to bring to you, straight from the source, the views of the most powerful men in the world who are not white. While this will ensure that this type of patented Slantmouth content will be short-lived, we still feel it is our social obligation to serve it fresh.

With that said, this week we bring you the travel diary of Junichiro Koizumi, the Japanese Prime Minister, who came to the United States to meet with his good friend, President Bush. This is the last time Prime Minister Koizumi will come to the United States before he leaves office in September. Slantmouth exclusively brings you his thoughts on this historic trip. Even Koizumi’s actual travel diary will not have these details.

Rebels.

“I am so happy to be visiting the United States. I have missed my good friend, George. It has been some time since we last spoke. He has not called as often to talk about baseball or country music as he used to. I am sure he is just very busy fighting the War on Terror.”

“I understand how difficult it can be. As do every one of the five hundred Japanese troops in Iraq, whom I guess are also fighting Terror or perhaps one of its distant cousins. It is not really clear at this point. George tells me that Terror has a large extended family and I am more than willing to help fight third cousins or estranged uncles, if necessary.”

“Sitting on this flight to America and gazing upon on the clouds, I cannot help but think about what makes George so endearing. No word may exist in any human language that can describe the special charisma that he has. I hold out hope that maybe the dolphins have come up with a word in their language or maybe George can come up with his own word, as he often likes to do, that would best describe him. My secretary, who is looking over my shoulder as I write, suggests that word I am looking for is ‘simple’.”

“Yes, I agree. He is simply a super-great friend. I would not trade him in for five hundred Japanese troops, which is saying a lot since that is half of our nation’s military.”

“To further cement our friendship George has agreed to join me in touring the home of my all time hero, Elvis Presley! While I can hardly wait to see my good friend, I must reluctantly admit that even George cannot hold a candle to The King, no matter how many drugs he has done. I was obsessed with Elvis long before Bush ever crossed my mind.”

Graceland, here I come!”

I Love This Guy!

“It seems that I cannot find time to write in my travel diary unless I am in a plane. I am currently in Air Force One, George’s preferred method of transportation. I quite enjoy it myself. George has been kind enough to play Elvis songs over the sound system and Elvis movies on the screen. All of this is really getting me into the Elvis zone. I may die on the toilet as I write this!”

“It is true. I have had to sneak away to the bathroom to find a quite place to write. It is not the Elvis songs or movies that are bothering me. It is instead my friend, George. He seems fascinated that I actually write things on my own, without the help of others. I am flattered that he cares so much but it was getting much too distracting for me. The bathroom is the last refuge for man or so it seems.”

“I did get into an interesting conversation with George earlier. I explained how I have been a member of the Elvis fan club in Tokyo for over thirty years and thought it would be a good idea if he started his own official fan club. He said he already had one, which I did not know. He named his fan club ‘quite a few high school dropouts’, which I thought was a strange name for a fan club. I asked him if I could join his fan club but he said it was already too late for me. I guess there are only so many slots in the fan club and I have to wait for someone to die or retire, like the United States Supreme Court. I can hardly wait!”

“We are quickly approaching Graceland, which is very exciting! I will have to leave the bathroom and get back to my seat. I am hoping that I can get at least one more drink from Air Force One’s tremendous monkey butlers. I might get lucky and be able to arrange a foot massage. Their tiny monkey fingers are surprisingly nimble in a massage scenario.”

A Meeting of the Minds

“I feel great! Yesterday I finally went to Graceland, home of Elvis! For the entire tour George and I were accompanied by Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley. I was finally able to ask Priscilla what it was like to be married to the King. I have wondered about the answer to that question since I was a young man in Japan, then only a junior member of the Elvis fan club. The only response she could give me was ‘disgusting’. “

“This was not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I suppose that it was understandable. I felt pretty disgusting myself looking at the large knot of skin at the back of Priscilla’s head. George later told me it was due to the many facelifts she had over the years. I would like to believe that it was actually the years of inexpressible love for Elvis congealed on the back of her head. Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic.”

“I was able to walk where Elvis walked and sit where Elvis sat. It was an amazing experience, a dream come true. I actually hugged Lisa Marie as I sang ‘Hold me close, hold me tight’. I thought she probably needed it after being married to Michael Jackson and Nicholas Cage.”

“As I wore Elvis’s sunglasses and did my best impersonation, I was transported to another world. All of a sudden I had unparalleled fame for doing almost nothing useful to solve societies problems. I later tried to explain the feeling to George. Unfortunately, he could not comprehend my feeling.”

“Regardless, Graceland was my every dark fantasy come to life. It was wonderful and an experience I will not soon forget. I am glad I could share it with my friend, George W. Bush.”

There you have it. With a North Korean missile crisis and the continuing problems in Iraq, we are glad that Prime Minister Koizumi could take a page from our President’s book and just relax. We hear he might visit a ranch or two and possibly spend some time reading classics literature like My Pet Goat. Good luck, Prime Minister. Take a lesson from the life of the King, and in September, go out on top.

~Julius Serpentine