THE VAULT

The Illusionists
September 25, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

An all new Axis of Evil?

A leaked memo from a French intelligence agency indicates that Osama Bin Laden has succumbed to typhoid fever somewhere in the Pakistani mountains bordering Afghanistan. Typhoid fever is commonly spread through ingesting water or food contaminated by the feces of an already infected person. Apparently, the most wanted man in the world had died from eating infected poop. It turned out the leak was nothing more than an unconfirmed rumor.

This is the latest in a series of reported deaths for Osama Bin Laden. He is the new, more diabolical Harry Houdini, escaping death at every opportunity. Bin Laden has escaped United States carpet-bombing campaigns, a serious kidney ailment, a midget assassin, and now a bout with typhoid.

Bin Laden’s ability to survive improbably situations has attracted the attention of people outside of the usual terrorist nightspots. David Blaine is amongst though whose interest has been piqued. It seems that in this age of increasing spectacles, floating in a giant fish bowl for a week and having to use an aquatic bedpan is not as impressive as it used to be. The press is just not as interested in his antics as they are on the latest death defying escape of the world’s most wanted criminal.

Using his greatest talent, David Blaine was immediately able to identify a publicity opportunity. Via leaked letters, Slantmouth has learned that his next endurance stunt will be to hide in a cave on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan for the next five years, where he will be subjected to routine carpet-bombings and be supplied with only a dialysis machine and feces-contaminated food.

Shockingly, one of the leaked letters from David Blaine was addressed to Osama Bin Laden! Slantmouth presents to you, our dear readers, the unedited letter:

Dear Mr. Bin Laden,

My name is David Blaine. I don’t know if you’ve heard of me. I don’t think you guys get ABC Primetime specials in the mountains. If you don’t know, I’m a famous street magician.

Actually, I used to be a street magician. Now I do elaborate and very boring endurance stunts. One of my latest stunts was to submerge myself in water for a week. I had nothing to do the entire time. I spent the first day trying to think of anagrams using my name. The best I could come up with was “AI Diva Blend”. The last six days I spent thinking about my fantasy baseball team.

The transition to performing boring media circuses is something I felt I needed to do to stay relevant in a society looking for the next big event. While my heart is in street magic, chicks are not impressed by card tricks. I dated Madonna. That doesn’t happen from guessing which card a homeless guy is thinking of or burning a hole through a quarter using a cigarette. The latter is not a euphemism. It’s an actual trick I do.

Anyway, I’m planning to do a new stunt and I need some advice. While I’m sure we don’t see eye-to-eye on many things, I do hope that you can help me understand how to survive in a cave for five years. It’s going to be my next stunt and I always thoroughly research my stunts beforehand. I couldn’t think of anyone better to give me a few helpful hints than you.

The biggest question I have is what do you do all day in your cave? Do you do a lot of plotting? The only plotting I do is for my fantasy baseball team and I don’t think I could do that for five whole years. I’d go crazy if I had to think about the same things over and over again for that long. Eventually, I’d be so out of touch with reality that I couldn’t function in society. I’d be like Tom Cruise. I don’t think that would help me with the ladies, unless I like slantmouths, which I guess isn’t really a bad thing.

Also, how do you go to the bathroom? This isn’t for me. If went to the bathroom underwater, I’m sure I can figure out how to go in the mountains. I’m just curious. Do you have toilet paper? Do you use a rock instead? Do you have liquid soap to wash your hands? You may want to get some for your friends. It may prevent the spread of diseases, like herpes and typhoid.

I hope this letter actually gets to you. I don’t have your exact address so I just put “Pakistani mountains bordering Afghanistan” on my envelope. I figure it’s like sending a letter to another guy with a long beard I know: Santa Claus. I’d send my Santa letters to “The North Pole” and they always reached their destination. This is pretty much the same thing.

I’ll be awaiting your response.

Sincerely,
David Blaine

The Slantmouth staff was initially shocked that Blaine would consider asking for advice from someone like Osama Bin Laden, but after some thought we came to understand why. They both have something in common: The necessity to outdo their last big stunt. Whatever the case, the Slantmouth staff cannot wait for David Blaine to disappear for five years. Good luck with the typhoid, Copperfield.

~Julius Serpentine