THE VAULT

The Game Of Life
January 8, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Even children or mental equivalents can play!

With the recently elected Democratic Congressional majority being sworn in, the war in Iraq has immediately become a pressing issue, because of an impending White House proposal for more war spending. President Bush is currently formulating a new course of action that should greatly affect the 20 X 20 square foot area that makes up the green zone, aptly named due to the green light it gives insurgents to attack U.S. soldiers.

It seems clear that this new direction will be very similar to the old direction, only with more troops. In a rousing game of StarCraft, Bush found that throwing more bodies at a problem occasionally worked well. What some may consider a computer game, others consider a highly realistic warfare simulator. With aliens.

The additional 20, 000 troops that are expected to be included in this plan are part of what is being called a “surge”, and much like the soda sharing the same name, it is expected to keep many college aged kids up all night. Unfortunately, it will not be exams, but bullets and explosives, keeping the Sandman away. Metallica has been put on high alert.

On a side note, Surge slowly failed and was later discontinued, but it burned many willing stomach linings into ash while it lasted.

Fun Fact: Closed Captioning on Fox News referred to her as 'Nazi Policy'.

New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the first female to hold the position, said that the Democrats would support the troops currently in Iraq but would not give the President a “blank check”. Though, she refrained from saying that the Democrats would realistically, like a herd of delicate donkeys, probably do next to nothing, out of fear of being perceived as weak on national defense. Pursuing a hippy, anti-war stance this early could weaken their resolve and, likely, embolden their enemies.

Democratic Senator Joseph Biden has drafted a Senate “resolution of disapproval” to hopefully make Bush see the error of his ways, with all the power of a strongly worded letter in the trash. The cosmos may tremble.

In coming up with this new direction, the President set out to gain opinions from a wide spectrum of experts and politicians, so he could more effectively disregard them completely. Bush, wanting to be an equal opportunity ignorer, dismissed advice from Democrats, Republicans, and U.S. Generals in Iraq that did not correspond with his goal of “winning” the war. Political analysts believe it would help if anyone knew what winning, in this case, actually meant.

One topic neither side has clearly addressed is what would be considered success at this point in the ongoing conflict. As the situation on the ground in Iraq becomes more complicated, with the country dissipating into civil war, what exactly is anyone winning?

Take one for the team.

Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have vowed to do a tremendous amount in their first 100 hours, including raising the minimum wage and lowering prescription drug prices, but no one has proposed coming up with a point system so that America can finally figure out how close President Bush is to winning. A point system would become very useful when accessing the President’s new course of action. Though, this course does not seem particularly new, but more like a club remix, with a great chance of being repetitive and highly deadly.

The Slantmouth staff gathered together to come up with a scoring system that would accurately gauge progress in the ongoing conflict, but we found that we could not come up with something that was ultimately fair. It is nearly impossible to do so in a war that, like the overripe gut of Dennis Hastert, is constantly changing and completely ill defined. You cannot get a handle on it, except for, of course, by the love handles, which few are willing to do without industrial-strength rubber gloves.

Slantmouth will let the professionals come up with a way of measuring what counts as success in a growing cycle of human suffering. Unlike Jesus, suffering is really not our bag. Fortunately, President Bush seems to be an idiot savant in suffering and he finds the best way to deal with it is to have plenty of support. Hold tight, soldiers. 20,000 friends are on the way. We are sure that is exactly what you and your families were waiting for.

~Julius Serpentine