The First Annual Slanty Awards
January 1, 2007 by The Colonel

Huzzah! Celebrate good times! Come on!

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

Best Celebrity Alcoholic
And the winner is? Mel Gibson.
Sure, Lindsay Lohan had her drunken meanderings, but when Mr. Gibson gets drunk, he gets arrested and accuses the Jews of being responsible for all of the wars in the world. Now that’s what we call a drunk!

Best Terrorist Death
Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Sure, we got Saddam, but the fact is that he technically isn’t a terrorist. Tyrant? Yes. Despot? Sure. Jerk? Probably, but he was certainly no terrorist. Oh, right, and whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?

Best Endangered Species
We’ve got to give it to the Harlequin Frog! These spunky little guys, unfortunately, have been dying off either due to a fungus, or some wicked frog STDs. While we understand the polar bear is almost endangered, it’s due to global warming, and as funny as that is, it’s not as funny as “frog herpes.”

Best Celebrity Post-Divorce Feud
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills! Is it even possible to give it to someone else? We know that the K-Fed/Britney Spears divorce got a lot of press, but the MillsCartney scandal easily trumped K-Spears’ bickering. Mr. McCartney, hats off to you, sir- you really know how to dump ‘em.

Best Use of Illegal Prisons
Is there even any competition? The United States! With Guantanamo Bay, and God knows what else, the good old US of A has certainly demonstrated their ability to lock up some chumps. And within the walls of these illegal prisons, of course, torture said chumps, inappropriately. God Bless You, Uncle Sam.

Best Religious Zealot
Kirk Cameron! Our good friend Mr. Cameron proved that he might be way crazier that even bin Laden. Although where bin Laden uses bombs, Cameron uses the imminent approach of a fiery doomsday, followed by an eternity in the fiery abyss. Did we mention fiery?

Best Whiny Douche Bag
Kimveer Gill. Although he was filled with hate, and eventually went on to shoot several people, he’s basically a whiny baby. Although the site Vampire Freaks is filled with similar whiny babies, those cats are pretty cool. And by cool, we mean depressed.

Best Level of Unnecessary Fear
The Citizens of the United States. Sure, evil lurks all around us, but how often does it rear its ugly head? The truth is that most people today drop a deuce just about any time a car so much as backfires. Why? We’re certainly not pointing any fingers; just think of what could happen to us!

Best “Accidental” Shooting
Vice President Dick Cheney. We can only say that we’re proud to be alive for this one. How often has a VP shot someone in the face? Seriously? We have to say, for some reason, this feels like an achievement.

Best Use of a Nuclear Threat
North Korea! This provocative temptress got the world abuzz with its nuclear Taepodong-2 missile, and stirred controversy by testing it. They certainly got our attention, although, like with most naughty babies, it probably wasn’t the type they liked.

It’s been a truly eventful year, both for us here at Slantmouth, and the world. Sure, we could do things to try to be better in 2007. Resolutions, so to speak. And sure, we’ve got some junk in the trunk from the holidays too, but sometimes it’s better to worry about what kind of junk has gotten crammed into our cranial trunks.

All those folks we love to hate, all the jerks we’d like to punch… maybe the best thing that we can do this year is try to hate them just a little less. After all, why shoot for the stars when the moon is right here?

~The Colonel