THE VAULT

Strait Trippin’
January 17, 2008 by The Colonel

Fellas, let's kill some speed boats!

Last week, in the Strait of Hormuz (which is conveniently located on the northern coast of Iran), a group of speed boats from the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) “provocatively” approached 3 US Navy vessels nearly sparking World War III and the very holocaust that all those prattling evangelical gits have been praying for so diligently. Unfortunately, the whole thing turned out to be the most hilarious practical joke in the history of the world, executed by none other than the Legendary “Filipino Monkey.” This international prankster tends to favor creating chaos in international shipping lanes and various other side-splitting stunts. Sadly, the Filipino Monkey, not unlike most monkeys, tends to hurl feces at folks at the worst conceivable times.

As the Iranian boats sped towards the US ships, an accented English voice was transmitted saying, “I am coming to you… You will explode in a few minutes.” Of course, the Navy ships thought that the message was coming from the Iranian boats. Tensions reportedly rose and stuff allegedly happened and supposedly, we almost tipped head-first into an all-out blood bath. Somewhere, the Filipino Monkey giggled with his friends, undoubtedly snorting about how he “PWN3D” those “NOOBS”. What an asshole.

At Slantmouth, we’re all for practical jokes. For instance, last week, Mr. Serpentine and I rigged all the interns’ seats with copper wire and car batteries. Hilarity and several pairs of soiled underpants ensued.

The point is, we all appreciate a rock-solid dose of schadenfreude, but when the entire world suffers, you gracefully stumble across the line that separates a good time being had by all (minus the victim) and a total dick move. What’s next on the agenda? Putting on a Bush mask and pantsing the Chinese Prime Minister? Releasing fake press statements that Cheney called Vladimir Putin a “total homo”? It’s a little like elementary school. There’s always that one kid who never actually fights anyone, but is always provoking the bully, “Kick his ass!” Only this time, instead of it being another kid on the playground, some obnoxious flea has managed to grab some radio equipment and broadcast the message directly to the bully’s fists.

Fortunately, even though Uncle Sam released a video that showed this “provocative” behavior, Iran had the presence of mind to put out their video account, which showed a rather cordial, “We’re us, you’re you. Over and out. Kisses!”

Crisis averted, folks. Thankfully, we can continue to survive in a relatively apocalypse-free world, for the time being. But with jerks like the Filipino Monkey around, who knows for how long? Regrettably, in order to keep the peace, Slantmouth is going to have to take one for the team.

That is why, with our extensive experience dealing with comedy monkeys, we would like to announce the latest addition to the Slantmouth staff, Filipino Monkey. We’re keeping a close eye on him and so far his most heinous crimes were some poorly-written fart jokes. Keeping the world safe has never been so obnoxious.

~The Colonel