THE VAULT

So Long, and Thanks for All the Wit
July 12, 2008 by The Colonel

A real knee slapper!

Recently, at the G8 Summit in Japan, our dear president, Mr. George W. Bush did something so unbelievable; we almost can’t believe it’s true. Just when you may have thought that one man’s absolute audacity and general contempt for those around him had reached levels that could never be topped by any mere mortal, that’s when he does it. It happened with a punch of the air and a broad grin. Mr. Bush, walking out of a private meeting with several world leaders, exclaimed, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter!” Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. How freaking awesome.

It’s not every day a man has the sheer testicular fortitude to say, “Yes, I am a dick, and guess what? I’m proud of it! BOOYAH!” Clearly, this president knows no limits; in fact, we’re a little surprised he manages to walk around with big brass balls like those. He is Asshole, Hear Him Roar!

Naturally, after Mr. Bush performed the aptly titled “Dubya Shuffle”, the rest of the room stood silently in shock. UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown turned ghost white; his eyes welled up, and Nicolas Sarkozy, France’s new president (the one with the hot wife), appeared to throw up in his mouth a little. These reactions are no surprise, as the group had been discussing efforts to cut global carbon emissions.

In fact, Mr. Bush’s comments came after much criticism, some of which was the result of a White House press pack that described Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, as one of the “most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice”. Wow.

See, we know we’ve covered Mr. Bush’s super-dickery to death. It’s well documented by Slantmouth, among others, but really, the astounding thing here is his uncanny ability to top himself. Again and again, just when we think we’ve seen his limits, BAM, there’s something else to confound us. It’s like a never-ending bitch slap.

It’s not even that he tops himself, so much as that he blindsides us all with such unbelievable thoughtlessness, such remarkable senselessness, that there’s no way he’s not intentionally being a jerk. He’s the grand master. He’s the asshole all other assholes should aspire to be. I could never so much as dream to reach such heights.

Somewhere, somehow, perhaps one day, the title will be reclaimed, but for now, it’s not, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter,” it’s, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest asshole.” Godspeed, good sir. Godspeed.

~The Colonel