THE VAULT

Slick Nic: A French President to Fight For
January 10, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

You old dog, you!

Slantmouth was pleased to learn that our dear friend and President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made public his relationship with Carla Bruni, a former French supermodel and popstar. Slantmouth is happy for our friend, especially since if there is one political leader deserving of a supermodel it’s Sarkozy, followed closely by Charles Taylor. Taylor isn’t looking quite like his chipper, murderous self during his current imprisonment and war crimes tribunal, but it’s nothing a supermodel with a file baked inside wouldn’t cure.

Sarkozy also expressed his intention to marry Bruni. This prompted us to write a letter to express our hopes, concerns, and tips on recolonizing Quebec to our old friend. Just as Sarkozy could not keep his love from the public, we could not keep the letter from our readers. Call it a sense of loyalty or a complete disregard for privacy. Either way, the letter, unedited, is enclosed.

Dear Nic,

We heard about you and Carla Bruni, and the entire Slantmouth team would like to extend our warmest congratulations. We’d also like to give you a hardy high-five for bagging a supermodel. Nice one, Sarko. As a gift, we solemnly promise not to repeatedly thrust our pelvises into the air while making our weight lifting faces the second you turn your back. We’ll at least wait until you leave the room, out of respect.

Even with the great deal of respect we have for you, it would be a lie to say we didn’t have a few reservations. You only finalized your divorce three months ago, which we understand was a trying time. With the pressure of being the President of an entire country and the added stress of a divorce, we can only imagine how you must have been feeling. Likely, you felt in need of a release, the kind of release that only a leggy supermodel or a hole cut into a mattress could provide. [Note to readers: Cutting a hole in a mattress is a phenomenon unique to France. To ease the uncomfortable feeling now lodged in your mind replace it with a more culturally relevant “hole in inanimate object” reference.]

It may be beneficial to take note that only a month had passed between your divorce and when you first met Carla. Courtney Love waited longer than a month to get back in the saddle after her first outbreak of genital warts. With that in mind, maybe a month wasn’t quite long enough to settle your emotions. We suspect that you are on the rebound. The wounds of your divorce would have healed with time but you choose to wrap the spindly body of a supermodel around them instead, like a sex-fueled band-aid. Instead of Neosporin you are just getting sex in those cuts. (That sounded a lot more poignant and a lot less disturbing when we thought it up.)

We’re not suggesting that you break up with Carla or not marry her. We would never try to get between a friend and the woman that he loves. We only want you to consider a few things. For example, there are not a lot of first ladies in the world that you can easily find topless photos of on the Internet. You don’t even have to try very hard. This simple fact alone would increase the possibility of another country’s leader having abused themselves to your wife by at least nine-thousand percent. That is a conservative estimate. Do you think foreign leaders are getting their rocks off with pictures of Laura Bush? The answer is a resounding “no” and America is a better country for it. Just remember, the next time you shake the hand of a foreign leader, know that they practically made love to your wife with that hand.

You should also know that your prospective wife has been around the block a few times. She’s been with the likes of Mick Jagger and Donald Trump. Do you really want to kiss the lips that kissed Donald Trump? If you think about it for a moment, you are basically kissing Donald Trump right on the mouth. Now think about that every time you kiss Carla. Do you still want to get married?

Only a year ago Carla said, “I’m monogamous from time to time, but I prefer polygamy and polyandry.” This doesn’t exactly sound like the kind of woman you settle down with, unless it makes you feel good that some other man may have used your wife like a hole in a mattress. On the other hand, you could use her acceptance of polygamy to your advantage, creating an entire stable of supermodels and popstars. Maybe marriage wouldn’t be the worst thing. The only thing better than one supermodel is six or seven supermodels. At the end of the day, if that’s what makes you happy, then we’re all for it. We’re here for you, buddy.

On an unrelated note, do you really need our advice to recolonize Quebec? They’re French, how hard can it be? Unconditional surrender is their middle name.

Sincerely Yours,

~Julius Serpentine