THE VAULT

SeaWorld Buffet
February 15, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Another successful conquest.

An Anti-Whaling activist group was forced to turn back from its pursuit of a Japanese whaling fleet near the Antarctic Circle. The group, Sea Shepherd, had to abandon their seafaring protest because one of their two ships was running low on fuel. In Japan, whale is sold in supermarkets and pricey restaurants, much like orphans are in other parts of the world.

Japan, where whaling is a cherished cultural tradition, started “scientific research” whaling in 1987. Scientists have yet to validate taste testing as proper scientific research, but have made exceptions for polar bears in the past. Or at least the Coca-Cola polar bears, which nine out of ten overweight college students agree tasted as unnecessarily cute as anything produced by Pepsi.

Sea Shepherd ships, after spending several weeks to locate the whaling fleet, had been harassing the whalers by throwing foul smelling acid and other various objects on deck to halt their whale hunting ways. One whaler was seriously injured when a box of prepackaged condiments flew onto the deck and hit him directly in the solar plexus. The whaler later used the condiments to taste test fine whale steaks, unaware that the condiments were contaminated by salmonella. He then fell either ill or down a flight of steps. Conflicting reports are still coming out at this hour.

Two members of the Sea Shepherd crew were involved in harassing the whale processing ship Nisshin Maru and were lost for eight hours in heavy fog and snow. What happened in those eight hours is unclear but after that mysterious period of time the Nisshin Maru caught on fire and continues to be a smoldering pile of death, despite all whaling activities having ceased. The fact that these two events happened days apart is no reason to stop sinister insinuations. Terrorists rejoice when we stop implying nonexistent links.

Most of the crew of the giant seafaring factory, primarily Mexican, have evacuated the Nisshin Maru, while some have stayed onboard to fight the fire. The ship could be carrying up to 1000 tons of fuel, which is causing some to worry about the environmental disaster that could occur if the oil leaks. The leaking of onboard whale oil is causing much less of a stir, likely due to it being both biodegradable and great for cooking. If the fuel does leak the clean up crews will need all the whale oil they can get, because that pristine Antarctic environment will be next on the menu.

~Julius Serpentine