THE VAULT

Rest in Peace Middle East
July 17, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Peace is dead. Rest in Peace.

Slantmouth comes to you today with a heavy heart. We have the unfortunate task of bringing you some tragic news. Sadly, our good friend and weight lifting partner, Middle E. Peace, took his own life this past week. Even while we try and come to grips with this recent event, we still feel obligated to fulfill our duty as public servants and provide our faithful readers with something.

Before us sits the tear-soaked letter that our friend wrote in the fateful moments before his life ended. As we wipe away the snot from the smudged ink of his letter, we have decided to transcribe it so that the world may read it. Hopefully others will see it as a warning sign for what this world can do to a good man or maybe they will get really depressed and turn to drinking. We are counting on the first one but, if we can point and laugh, we may not mind the second.

Without further ado, the last recorded thoughts of our dear friend, Middle E. Peace:

Dear Thankless Bastards,

The world is full of cruel, heartless people. It’s true. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Normally, I wouldn’t let those kinds of people get me down. I’ve been dealing with them since what seems like the dawn of mankind. No matter what brand of idiocy they’ve brought forward I’ve done my best to keep my head high. Only a completely natural high, of course.

Well, usually a completely natural high. There have been transgressions on my part. I’ve had a few dark periods here and there. I was deep into some serious substances. Stuff that would make your head come off and twist it into directions you never knew existed, but that’s in the past. I’ve been clean for at least a few years or months or days. I can’t remember. Some of those serious substances took a toll on my synapses. The connections have turned to cement. Thinking is like walking though a thick swamp and the mosquitoes are having their way with my supple flesh.

I don’t want to have to blame the nature of humanity on my problems, but the truth is they’re responsible. How long can a guy be expected to go on being optimistic when the world is crumbling around him all the time? I am but a mere mortal and my ability to cope with disasters has been well worn. It’s been worked raw and sometimes the substances that looked foolish moments before take on a different color.

Actually, after using the substances everything takes on a different color. Usually magenta, though occasionally aquamarine. It’s strange how at the end you think of the most insignificant details, like the tint of drug induced hallucinations or the smell of wet roses strapped to the back of a dove or something else really faux-sentimental.

The other thing that comes to mind is my life’s mission. My mission has been to bring tranquility to the world. Frankly, I’ve been at this so long I don’t need the whole thing. Just one area would be fine, preferably with a nice beach, but I can’t even get that. The only thing I get is people calling me a dirty hippy, right before a Tomahawk missile rips them a new one.

I don’t take pleasure in their suffering. I’m a man of peace. It’s nearly my middle name, but as a man of peace I can’t take it anymore. This latest episode with Israel and Lebanon and Hamas and Hezbollah and Iran and Syria and ancient Mesopotamia and communism and the Osmond family has pushed me over the edge. Would it be difficult to learn and respect the value of human life? I could give a crash course, if any of you would bother giving me a chance. I guess it’s too late for a crash course anyway. I’m done helping you guys settle your differences long enough to not have your children grow up with severe psychological issues. When your kids grow up and have an insatiable desire to lick nuclear missiles don’t come knocking down my door.

Oh yeah, by the way rest of the world, nice job stepping in from the sidelines. If you feel like putting down your pompoms and doing something useful in the next couple of minutes, let me know. I wouldn’t want to be ending it all for nothing. You useless, skirt-wearing bastards!

I just can’t put up with any of you anymore. I just want some rest. Some peace. The next time you see me it’ll be because I’m punching your kidneys in the afterlife.

Go to hell, you stupid bitches!

Scornfully yours,
Middle East Peace

While there are many valuable lessons that can be gleaned from the life of our friend, we will only reiterate the most important bit; Devoting your life to helping others will leave you a bitter, angry husk of a person.

Sadly, as we write this, we have discovered that, just as in life, he was a complete failure in death. As he was about to throw himself in front of a school bus full of children, a suicide-bombing toddler onboard was detonated by the missile of a passing military chopper. Miraculously, Middle East Peace was the only casualty. Something tells us he would have wanted it that way.

~Julius Serpentine