THE VAULT

Our Furry Friends
March 27, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Animals Love Us

Violence and disease permeate every corner of the news. The Slantmouth team feels that it’s our responsibility to combat this negativity, which is often a precursor to crushing depression, with an uplifting alternative: Animals. Everyone loves animals. Even Stalin himself loved an adorable kitten or a precocious pup in his time. So, to alleviate the normal drudgery of reading the news- this week, Slantmouth presents the animal news roundup.

Crocs Love Us

Richard Root, a professor at the University of Washington Medical School, was killed in Botswana during a wildlife tour when a crocodile grabbed him from his canoe and dragged him away, never to be seen again. Root was in Botswana helping with the shortage of doctors in the AIDS-stricken region, where about 40% of the population is infected with the virus. As a result, Botswana now has the lowest rates of public fountain drinking and needle sharing in the world.

The tour guides were concerned about the possibility of being canoe-jacked by hippos from the Limpopo River Projects, a known threat in the area, but there had been no previous reports of crocodile attacks. The guides suspected something was wrong when they heard what sounded like the ticking of a clock approaching from under the water. Moments later Root was gone, dragged down to Davey Jones’ Locker. All of the Jolly Rogers in Botswana have been lowered to half mast.

Dogs Love Us

Army dog handler Sgt. Michael J. Smith was sentenced to six months in prison. Smith was stationed at Abu Ghraib prison, where he participated in a contest with another dog handler, Sgt. Santos Cardona, to make prisoners soil themselves using their canines as tools. Smith said, “Soldiers are not supposed to be soft and cuddly” and there are not many things less soft and cuddly than wiping a puddle of urine from a prison floor.

The competitors received two points for each prisoner scream, and three points for each “soil”. When the contest was over, the winner received immunity from forcing the inmates to sodomize each other and satisfaction of a job well done. Though very few “soil points” were actually awarded, Sgt. Smith won by a score of 83-76.

Smith’s brave service to our country did not stop there. He also serviced the nation by instructing his dog to lick peanut butter off the genitals of another solider. Slantmouth is not sure how this fits into Sgt. Smith’s earlier statement about not being soft and cuddly.

While Sgt. Smith will be in prison, the future of his dog is still up in the air, though the dog has reportedly lost his taste for peanut butter.

Birds Love Us

In this week’s Slantmouth bird flu update, the Federal Avian Flu index is currently at code magenta. The Assistant U.S. Health Secretary John O. Agwunobi said, “No community is safe. No community is exempt. No community has some barrier to protect it.” Agwunobi stopped short of screaming, “Oh God, we’re all going to die!” but an announcement to that affect is expected to be issued sometime later this week.

Experts fear that the bird flu could set off a pandemic on the scale of the 1918 Spanish flu, which killed tens of millions worldwide. The Spanish flu was initially restricted to people with a Spanish accent until a strain of the virus mutated and spread to the rest of humanity. A significant number of scientists feel that it’s only a matter of time before history is repeated and many Spanish people die again. Antonio Banderas has been put on high alert.

The White House was unsure how the constant fear of terrorism would be able to compete with this new fear. After extensive research, it was determined that the average American had enough room in their brain’s fear center to be terrified of both threats. This saved millions of dollars in proposed public service announcements to keep terrorism as America’s chief fear.

It turns out even animals want to scare or kill us. Slantmouth urges you to prepare for the impeding threat that animals are posing to humans. It will only be a matter of time before animals do something to someone you know and love. Don’t be caught unprepared. And for your own good, keep your genitals out of the peanut butter jar.

~Julius Serpentine