THE VAULT

One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
March 6, 2006 by The Colonel

Cuckoo for the Colonel

Mothers, lock up your daughters- bird flu’s on the town. Although the bird flu epidemic seems like it’s been around forever, the recent death of a cat in Germany has stoked the fires of this undying story. In efforts to curb the proliferation of this deadly disease, German officials have ordered that all cats be confined to their homes, and all dogs be leashed when they’re walked.

Slantmouth, whose Department of Current Events and Mishaps is investigating developing details of this story, has discovered some shocking facts that the US Government does not want you to know. Truth be told, US top officials on this quickly spreading bird flu are in a panic, and with good reason. This bird flu may shed light on one of the government’s darkest secrets.

Experts began warning governments as early as the 1960’s. As it turns out, the unsavory among us (hippies) were often found in communes, living among chickens, as though they were family. They shared the same rooms, the same food, and sometimes, the same women. Free love was a common theme of the 60’s and free chicken love, was of course, no exception. In nature, breeding between people and poultry usually just doesn’t work. However, due to the large amounts of LSD and other uncontrolled substances, their genes were allowed to merge, giving birth to a spooky brand of chicken people.

They were raised, as most children were. However, when either chicken or human got sick, these odd cross breeds would feel the wrath of either ailment. They also ate immense quantities of grain, and were prone to laying the occasional egg. Learning of this, the US Government, for fear of their poultry industry being disrupted, rounded up these poultry persons and sent them to secret prisons scattered throughout Europe and Asia. Most of these poor souls never saw the light of day, although a few managed to escape for the luxurious green fields of Canada.

These prisons operated until the mid-70’s, where they were shut down due to budget cuts and tensions throughout the world. The chicken people assimilated into the population, and some came back to the United States.

The matter was mostly forgotten. Successful chicken people lived among us. They mingled at our parties, cut our hair at barber shops, and even rode our subways. They entertained us at sporting events and educated our children on the importance of honesty. They were beloved by the world, despite their dirty, hippy origins. Then, something terrible happened.

The chicken cold had been around for quite some time. In fact, we now refer to it as the “common cold,” as it is now so common. And chicken pox are such a standard that people actually force their children to get it. Recently, however, the bird flu has come directly from these half-chicken, half-person people, and the ways of old are becoming the ways of new.

Chickens and people alike are being quarantined world wide, but the world’s population of chicken people are being hit hardest of all. Although the US has yet to have a single documented case of bird flu, the government here is taking harsh measures to ensure the safety of its citizens, both human and fowl.

Recently, President Bush was quoted as saying, “These Chicken Folk are the most likely carriers of disease. And we’re going to make sure that they’re not cohabitulating with anybody, anywhere. Now, we know that not all chickens are infected. And we know that not all chicken folk are infected. But what we also know that they are the only ones who are spreading the disease. So, infected or not, we’re going to confine them to an offshore containment facility known as ‘Chicktanamo Bay.’”

Human/animal rights groups have gone into a frenzy of protests. The president of PETAP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal People) recently released a statement saying, “This is unethical and unjust. We know that they’re kind of weird looking, in fact, they totally creep us out, but that’s no reason to confine them like this. Animal People have rights, too. And please, they’re not ‘Chicken Folk,’ they’re ‘Chicken Americans’.”

In a poignant rebuttal to this statement, President Bush was quoted as saying, “Shut up, stupid.” He then resumed his game of Halo 2, screaming, “Die, you chicken folk bastards, die!”

This threw the CACLU (the Chicken American Civil Liberty Union) into an uproar. Their spokesman stated, “It is exactly this kind of attitude from the President that is holding back Chicken American rights. You cannot keep them contained in a prison. You cannot separate them from the population. Separate is not equal.”

Unfortunately, to this day in the South, Chicken Americans still must use separate bathrooms and water fountains. The Slantmouth Division of Interviews and Red Carpet Events went deep into the south to obtain perspective on these views. “They’re filthy,” said Bubba McCrevey of Luverne, Alabama, “I don’t want those disgusting Birdies in my toilets, you ain’t seen nothin’ ‘til one of ‘em drops a deuce. They don’t poo like you and me, if ya catch mah drift.”

In Kentucky, however, Chicken Americans it may be worse than anywhere else. Under the brutal regime of a man known as “The Colonel,” Chicken Americans have had to watch their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends get rounded up, chopped to bits, and covered with 11 secret herbs and spices, where they are served in restaurants across the country.

This is the most egregious of offenses to humanimal rights. It is for this reason, that today, Slantmouth calls for a boycott of all things from and relating to Kentucky. This disgusting massacre of innocent Chicken Americans must be stopped! Down with Kentucky! The Colonel must be stopped! Down with the Colonel!

~The Colonel