THE VAULT

Law and Torture: Special Victims Unit
October 18, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

They take him to the 'Wedgie Chamber'

If you want to do something that is against the law, just change it. That is the lesson that President Bush and members of Congress taught the American public, as the Commander-in-Chief signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

The Supreme Court had ruled in June that detainees held in Guantanamo Bay and other facilities could not be put on trial via military tribunals because it violated United States and international law. Well, not anymore! Now military tribunals will only violate international law and who cares about that? Not this Nation’s fearless leader.

During a ceremony in which the Bill was signed into law, the President said, “These military commissions will provide a fair trial in which the accused are presumed innocent, have access to an attorney, and can hear all the evidence against them. These military commissions are lawful, they are fair, and they are necessary.”

The revelation that the “military commissions are lawful” surprised few at the ceremony, which was held for the purpose of making military commissions lawful. Shortly after Bush signed the Bill, the Republican National Committee issued a press release headlined, “Democrats would let terrorists free”, which listed the names of many Democrats who opposed the Bill. Apparently, “a fair trial in which the accused are presumed innocent” might be a little bit of a stretch, like saying Jessica Simpson is famous for her immense talent.

The Military Commissions Act does allow defendants to “hear all the evidence against them”, unless that evidence is deemed secret. The evidence is so secret that during the ceremony the President did not want to even bring up the fact that defendants, in their fair trials, would not be able hear it. The admission that such evidence actually exists would be a huge blow to the War on Terror. If such secrets were released the individuals responsible would end up in one of the Secret Prisons in Europe, where other people who tell secrets end up. Inside inmates barter cigarettes and their dignity to avoid unwanted sexual escapades and rape.

Thankfully, the new Bill makes rape and any other actions taken against detainees that would be considered a war crime illegal, just as they were before because war crimes are supposed to be illegal. This includes torture and biological experiments, the latter of which caused all three-armed detainees to breathe a sigh of relief.

This legislation also allows the President to “interpret the meaning and application” of international standards for prisoner treatment. Unknown to most Americans is the fact that winning in the Electoral College not only makes a candidate President, but also qualifies them to interpret international law to suit their needs, as well as automatically crowning them Miss Texas. The President looks quite stunning in sequins.

White House spokesman Tony Snow stated that Bush would issue an executive order that would detail his interpretation. This document would not be released to the public but Slantmouth was able to get its hands on a few excerpts from an early draft. Primarily what we found was a lengthy list of aggressive interrogation techniques that the President interprets to be acceptable. We provide you, our dear readers, with the excerpts:

7. Purple Nurple – This interrogation technique, perfected by the Germans, involves twisting a detainees nipple between the index finger and thumb, until the area is bruised. This technique must always be used with a cloth barrier (i.e. a detainee’s uniform) between the interrogator’s fingers and the detainee’s nipple to avoid otherwise heavily homoerotic undertones.”

22. Paddling – This interrogation technique involves using a large, flat wooden instrument to strike the bare posterior of a detainee. The most modern form of paddling was proliferated by the Skull and Bones Society at Yale University, where it is still used to initiate new members. Though it has been argued that this technique could be construed as homoerotic, it is categorically not. Nor is anyone who may have enjoyed paddling or being paddled homosexual, especially if they were a member of the Skull and Bones Society at Yale University.”

34. Pantsing – This interrogation technique involves pulling down the pants of a detainee when they least suspect it. This is meant to embarrass and shame the detainee into providing information. This technique is especially effective when the detainee is insecure with the size of their genitalia. The interrogator is encouraged to point and laugh, but not for a period of time exceeding thirty seconds. This is to avoid any feelings of confusion that may arise within the interrogator.”

With Bush’s interpretations in hand, the country is well on its way to victory in the War on Terror. These approved interrogation techniques will allow the CIA to gain just the information they need to put these terrorists out of business. Hopefully, none of the interrogators leak the secret information that they learn. We would rather they not get locked-up in Europe only to be suggestively pantsed on a daily basis for a few menthols.

~Julius Serpentine