THE VAULT

Iran, So Far Away
March 25, 2007 by The Colonel

Sit back, relax, and enjoy your kidnapping.

It happens all the time. A little bit of fun turns into a serious situation, maybe not for those involved directly, but everyone around them. That very well may be what happened when 15 British soldiers were kidnapped by Iran last week. We know what you’re thinking, “How could there be any mistake?” Put it this way, kidnapping isn’t always a bad thing. We’ll explain.

Unbeknownst to most of the world, in recent years Iran has been trying to change its image. While it’s true that its image has been slipping further and further down the chasm of the evil and crazy, the true Iran is a different from what is portrayed in the media. It’s kinder, gentler, and a lot more inviting than one may think. The gears over at Iran’s tourism bureau have been turning, and man have they been coming up with some numinous ideas.

This all started back in early November, 2006, when Iran proclaimed that it would offer $20 in cold, hard cash to any US citizen that would visit its vast beaches and luxurious locales. They got a few nibbles, but the massive flow of new tourism evaded them. They couldn’t understand why. Sure, Iran and the U.S. weren’t exactly pals, but what should that have to do with one’s vacation plans?

The tourism bureau had even grander ideas. After some soul-searching and a couple of cocktails, they had it: Casinos. What red-blooded American doesn’t enjoy gambling? The Iranians began to construct massive Casinos, plastered with the gaudiest neon, the most extravagant light displays. Finally, the day arrived and the power was switch on. The night sky burst with a million colors from a trillion shining lights, only to grow dim, like a viewer of Fox News. It was clear; the country couldn’t sustain the massive demands on its power grid.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad saw the tourism bureau’s last hope dwindle. Ever the visionary, he came up with a cheap, effective, and environmentally-friendly solution, Nuclear Power. Consequences be damned, Iran’s tourists would gamble.

At this point, you’re probably wondering, “What could this possibly have to do with kidnapped British troops?” When it comes to brand new tourism, sometimes you need guinea pigs, and what better test subjects could you ask for than the British? They’re like Americans, only with a noble snobbiness that serves well for critiquing such things as travel destinations.

Don’t think of the capture of these British troops as a kidnapping; think of it as a spontaneous, all expenses paid excursion for 15 to the luxurious sands of Iran! Women, wining, dining, and of course, gambling. Lots and lots of gambling.

With sanctions bearing down on Iran any day, they need tourism’s support more than ever. Your help will go a long way in keeping this fledgling tourist economy. Don’t worry about cutting loose, after all: what happens in Iran stays in Iran.

~The Colonel