THE VAULT

Hire Fidelity
August 14, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

A Dictator among Dictators.

Dear Mr. Fidel Castro,

It is good to hear that you are recovering from surgery. The international community has been worried, but the sight of your well-worn, catcher’s mitt face has put their minds at ease. I have it on good authority that President Bush was up all night praying to Jesus when he first heard about your surgery. You are the least threatening world leader with a beard and for that he adores you. Now that you are doing better, I am sure that the President, once again, will be sleeping like a baby in Baghdad.

How are the old intestines feeling today? I know the bleeding was caused by your tremendous workload. A man your age should really take it easy. Intestinal bleeding is a serious problem and, if left untreated, can lead to complications, including embarrassing, bloody accidents at parties. No one wants to see you bring a spare pair of underpants to your next Marxist gala. That would negatively affect your self-confidence and standing with the ladies.

While your workaholic nature has caused this health problem, it is still commendable. In fact, you would make a great role model for many Americans. Once the social security program dies, the elderly can look to you as an example of how to remain a productive member of society in advancing age. I am not sure how your example carries over to being a fry cook or a graveyard watchman, but I am sure the few senior citizens who have retained their mental faculties will figure it out. As an American, I have been led to believe in recent years that running a country and doing menial jobs are very similar.

In your road to recovery it seems that your workload will be diminished, but I know that as a workaholic you will not be able to take that lying down in a hospital bed, realizing the marvels of modern bedpan technology. Though, for your own health I hope you realize that slowing down will be best in your long-term future, which at your age means 3 – 5 years.

You will need something to do during your newly created free time and for that I have a solution: Slantmouth.com.

A man with your work ethic would be a perfect fit here at Slantmouth Industries. We are constantly growing and looking to expand our empire. Your past experience in Country Management would position you to lead us into the future, by which I mean the next 3 – 5 years.

There would be far fewer missiles pointed at the United States and we would have to tone down the anti-capitalist rhetoric, but other than that I think you would really enjoy it. At least half of our staff speaks strictly Spanish, so language is not a problem. As a manager you will not frequently interact with them, but I am sure you can strike up a rousing conversation as your floor is being vacuumed.

Your resilience in the face of assassination attempts will serve you well here at Slantmouth. I myself fought off three separate assassins this past week. Sometimes the writing is dangerous and the consequences become deadly. Fortunately, most of our enemies are Vietnam veterans wearing stylish wool ski masks, likely a result of a scathing article on the business practices of the prosthesis industry.

A legless man in a wheelchair is neither the quickest nor most silent assassin you shall ever encounter, Mr. Castro. Fifteen different battles have taught me that the deadliest combination to dispatch this foe is a staircase and a hard shove. The wheels will do the rest.

With this pearl of wisdom I will leave you to make your decision. I do not need an immediate answer. I only ask that you seriously consider the offer being extended to you. And as a courtesy, let me warn you to be cautious of any fruit baskets that may come from the CIA; the female midget hidden under the oranges is not really a masseuse. She is a treacherous capitalist pig who has come to finish the job! Just remember, a midget assassin’s face is not fond of hydrochloric acid.

May this knowledge serve you well in continuing the revolution.

Sincerely,

~Julius Serpentine