THE VAULT

Head Up Our Nuclear Arsenal
March 26, 2008 by The Colonel

Run from the giant mutant skull!

The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.

At Slantmouth, this is our favorite kind of story (other than the ones that feature hookers or hobos). Gross incompetence, deadly weapons, our government; these kinds of stories have it all. “If the Russians had shipped triggers to Tehran, we (the U.S.) would be going nuts right now,” Joseph Cirincione, president of the Ploughshares Fund, which advocates reducing the number of nuclear weapons, “way to strive for consistency, you cretinous hypocrites.”

Meanwhile, with the U.S. economy floating ever-so-gracefully down the crapper, we’d like to do everything in our power not to piss off China (Pssst! We owe them lots of money!). Turns out, sending long-range nuclear missile components to Taiwan isn’t one of those things. Then again, Uncle Sam has been delighting in poking beehives lately and, like some slow kid with a death wish, it’s only a matter of time before he finds the Africanized beehive.

The best part of all of this retarded dicking around is that it’s the second time in less than a year the U.S. government has made a nuclear-related screw up. The first mistake happened in August, when a B-52 bomber accidentally carried six nuclear warheads from North Dakota to Louisiana. Of course, a when an investigation was launched, a “lackadaisical” approach to everyday details of nuclear operations was discovered. Now, it’s likely that the words “lackadaisical” and “nuclear operations” being used in the same sentence made your bowels loosen slightly. Take a moment to visit the restroom for a “freshness check” at this time.

While people will likely lose privileges to handle dangerous weaponry in the Taiwan debacle as they did in the previous nuclear screw-up, Slantmouth doesn’t think it’s enough. Was anyone fired? Given a stern talking to? Kicked in the baby-makers?

Even if the folks involved in the first incident were taken out back and smacked about with a stick, how did the age-old lesson, “Don’t Dick Around with Nukes!” not sink in throughout the entire freaking military?

Sure, we understand that recruitment is low, but for the love of all that is good and sacred in this world, could we not put the kids who flunked out of math class in charge of the nuclear weapons please? Yes, we know the President says “nukular,” but it’s not like he’s got his finger on the trigger or anything…

Today, Slantmouth would like to take this opportunity to announce the completion of our Brand-New, State of the Art, Nuclear Fallout bunker! Almost two years in the making, the Official Slantmouth Bunker will feature all of the amenities your pompous, spoiled existence has become accustomed to!

Applications for admission will begin immediately, and applicants will be graded based on usefulness, breeding potential, intelligence, sexual desirability, and lack of douchitude. Eunuchs and the sterile need not apply. Secure your spot today!

~The Colonel