THE VAULT

Guilty by Suspicion
April 2, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

These guys look a little... suspicious.

(Today’s secret word is “suspicious.”)

Bisher al-Rawi , a British resident, was released from Guantanamo Bay and reunited with his family in London after nearly five years in confinement. He was never charged with anything but being vaguely suspicious is punishable by nearly five years of jail time. That is between one and two years longer than the punishment for goat raping, though, admittedly, the penalty depends on the state.

Al-Rawi was arrested while returning to the UK from a business trip in Gambia. He and a friend were trying to return to Britain with an electronic device that authorities claimed was suspicious. The men claim it was a battery charger, which, if true, would place their item at #7034 on the list of most popular items carried by terrorist, sandwiched between nose hair clippers and Slim Jims.

If you ever become suspicious enough to be thrown into Guantanamo Bay, we here at Slantmouth want to prepare you for the next several, excruciating years of your life. We have cobbled together a small guide for your viewing pleasure and eschewed giving typical advice, like not dropping the soap, for more pressing issues that you may face inside the barbed wire fences of Gitmo.

1. Stop being suspicious.

You probably should have thought about this one earlier. It would have gone a long way towards avoiding an all-expenses-paid trip to the communist haven of Cuba. But seriously, stop being suspicious. You would think that it would be too late, considering you are already in Guantanamo Bay, but, really, it is never too late.

Your best chance of survival in the long run is being released before your soul caves in on itself from the long hours of confinement, and it is well known that suspicious people never get out. There is no set way to cleanse yourself of suspect behavior. Each case is different. Only you can truly known what makes you suspicious. Though a good start would probably to stop being in a military prison.

2. Stop talking to suspicious people.

You may find this problematic, since everyone at Guantanamo Bay is suspicious. Consorting with the general population may make you guilty by association. Even asking another inmate how he is doing could be damaging and, frankly, he is in a military prison, so he is probably doing terribly. Do not ask.

Think of suspicion as verbally transmitted dirt that will stain your nicely pressed, orange jumpsuit. Like most stains, it has a terrible smell and will only attract more federal investigators.

Despite the fact that this tactic will shut you off from the vast majority of the people you come in contact with, you will not get lonely. You will always have someone to talk to: you. Remember, in a military prison you are your own best friend, unless you are suspicious, in which case you may not want to associate with yourself.

3. Do not answer any questions with suspicious answers.

As you are being interrogated answer all questions as accurately as possible, unless your answer makes you sound suspicious. In this case do not say anything at all, no matter how many times you are asked the same question or hit in the face. Think of being hit in the face as a way to brush all that suspicion off. Now each act of brutality is actually a step closer to your eventual release.

Slantmouth hopes that Bisher al-Rawi has not been hardened by his time at Guantanamo Bay. Hopefully, he can enjoy his new freedom like all of us on the outside already do, only having to worry about not seeming suspicious to stay on the outside. But if you do end up inside of Guantanamo Bay’s walls, just remember the rules and do not drop the hope.

Unless you are a terrorist, in which case good luck, scumbag.

~Julius Serpentine