THE VAULT

Grapes of Violent Wrath
June 18, 2007 by The Colonel

Let your smarmy, French vengeance spill into the streets!

Terrorism is a bigger global threat than ever. The annals of history have seen generation after generation of terrorist scum come and go, but we may now be facing evils that we are wholly unprepared for. If you thought Al Qaeda was bad, the humble paladins of liberty here at Slantmouth may need to prepare you for something even worse.

Sure, Al Qaeda may hate our freedom and our way of life, but this new brand of terrorist is different. They’re not concerned with our freedom, our food, or even our way of life; no, these terrorists are targeting our ability to get quality French wine at bargain basement prices. Damn them.

Dubbed “the CRAV” (which somehow stands for Regional Committee for Viticultural Action), some French wine-makers’ unions are enraged by the ways of their government. The CRAV says that between middlemen taking large cuts and the government plunging the price of wine, they’re operating at a loss, and are going to do what it takes to continue their leisurely lifestyle in the vines.

To make their message known, the shadowy members of the CRAV took journalist Emilien Jubineau to watch as they recorded a threatening video. This video arrived on the desk of new President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy last week. In the message, the terrorists say that “blood will flow, much like our delicious wine, only this bottle will have a distinct bouquet of vengeance. The wine is on your hands, Mr. Sarkozy!” The apparent leader of the group then spat, which got caught in his mask, clearly making the terrorist even angrier.

The group has already proved its willingness to use violence as a means to an end. They have attacked stores that sell foreign wine, using everything from fire bombs to graffiti. According to Jean-Francois Picquemal, a local proprietor of food stuffs, including wine, “There’ve been similar attacks throughout the region, and this was one of the nicer ones”, he said, “at least this time, they didn’t pee on anything.”

This weekend’s deadline marked the 100th anniversary since the last wine-makers’ revolt in France, leading this humble observer to wonder if these guys don’t just get cranky around this time of the century. In 1907, union supporters took to the streets, and not unlike today, six were shot and killed.

Needless to say, Slantmouth wishes only peace for the embattled wine-makers and urges them to keep a message of peace with the French government. No one wants to see anyone get shot, or stabbed, or shanked, or shivved, or beaten, or even tickled too aggressively. Remember, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. It would pay to also keep in mind that sometimes suffering eventually leads to delicious chocolate chip cookies.

~The Colonel