THE VAULT

Going Greek
January 13, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Hey! What's in that suspicious looking leather bag over there?

Terrorists have struck at America again. Surprisingly, it seems a new player has burst onto the crowded America-hating scene, and this time it is not predominantly a bunch of brownies, lightly sprinkled with sugar.

The Greek Marxist group Revolutionary Struggle, which sounds suspiciously like a Kentucky Derby participant, fired a rocket-propelled anti-tank grenade into the side of a U.S. embassy building in Athens. The group first emerged in 2003 with the bombing of an Athens courthouse, which presumably was a preemptive attack against their future captors and sodomy enablers.

Revolutionary Struggle is thought to be a successor of the cleverly named Revolutionary Organization, which supposedly was an organization focused on revolution, rather than rescuing orphans or fighting childhood obesity. Revolutionary Organization was also commonly referred to as N17, which stands for November 17, in reference to the date of a 1973 uprising against Greece’s military government, which the United States backed as part of its larger plan against communism. Thanks to the forward-thinking policy of the U.S. government, consisting of globally supporting oppressive and violent regimes, communism did eventually fall. Today, Greece serves as another example of violence watering the flowers of freedom and democracy.

After years of assassinations and other violence, including 19 attacks against American targets, N17 was finally dismantled in 2002. However, it was not long before Revolutionary Struggle sprung forth from the ashes of N17. They retained many of the anti-American biases, but unfortunately for these upstarts, they did not retain the deadly edge.

We will catch you...by standing around pensively.

With the increase in the number of terrorist organizations during the last several years, standards for terrorist groups are constantly increasing. It has become almost fashionable to be part of a terrorist organization in some places. To prevent the spread of watered-down terrorist chic, the World Organization of Opulent Terrorists (WOOT) has raised the bar for what it takes to qualify as a terrorist group. The least of these requirements is that a group’s actions must result in the death of at least one “decedent capitalist pig” in their first five years.

Revolutionary Struggle’s Marxist terrorist aspirations have yet to even kill one person, despite several attempts. Even the recent rocket-propelled grenade attack on the U.S. embassy only resulted in damage to a third-floor bathroom, approximately the same amount of damage Karl Rove and a bean burrito would have done.

Slantmouth expects that Revolutionary Struggle will increase the veracity and frequency of their attacks to get that first kill and keep their tax-exempt status as a WOOT approved terrorist group. Now that American targets are being threatened we also expect a proper response from the Bush Administration, which has consistently been tough on terror. The possibility of a full-scale American invasion or the repositioning of American navel gun ships to fire missiles at Revolutionary Struggle targets could be in the works. All Marxist terrorist groups in Greece should watch out, because their futile little struggle is about to come to an end.

~Julius Serpentine