THE VAULT

Future Imperfect
June 25, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

We'll probably be dumber.

The White House is actively engaged in discussion to close down Guantanamo Bay, a horribly festering pimple on the nose of the United States. This nation was once one of the cool kids at the lunch table. Unfortunately, after a series of missteps, and the aforementioned blemish, things have changed. The United States still sits at the same table, but in this cafeteria there is only one lunch table. The rest of the kids are on the floor, eating crumbs.

Fortunately, for acne sufferers there is hope and the White House knows it. If there is anything that skinny, pretty girls and Sean “Diddy” Combs have taught us in commercials, it is that once your terrifying zit disappears, the other kids will like you again. In the case of Guantanamo, the inmates cannot be just scrubbed away, but they can be moved. Some will likely find themselves in Afghanistan, where the United States is lending a helping hand in building a new high-security wing at an existing prison. If you have to have a pimple, it may as well be somewhere people have trouble even bothering to look, like under a thicket of back-hair.

Not all of the remaining prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will simply be moved into a new prison. Of the 375 remaining inmates, about 75 have been cleared for release, showing that indefinite prison stays do actually work in place of an actual justice system. 80 of the prisoners are to be brought up on charges by the United States, somehow without bringing them to the United States, where they may actually have a few rights. The remaining 220 inmates have done nothing they can be charged with, but have been deemed too dangerous to be released.

How did they come to this conclusion? You may think that they logically figured out that a large group of men, held without charge for five years, might now be angry enough to participate in violent behavior against their captor. You would, of course, be wrong. Then how did they came to this conclusion? Magic.

And by magic we mean science. Using highly influential sources, Slantmouth was able to obtain information about a secret government project that began shortly after the events of 9/11. In order to stop further terrorist attacks, the White House commissioned the construction of a machine capable of accurately predicting the terrorist activities of an individual… before they happen! This grand machine may seem like the something straight out of a Phillip K. Dick short story that could later be turned into a big-budget movie starring Tom Cruise, but it is, in fact, a reality. A reality with bald people doing the back-float in a hot-tub, generating images of the future with their minds. Reality is beautiful.

This wondrous machine is named Dickbot 3000, a clever nod to the lead scientist’s favorite science fiction writer. The kinks are still being worked out of Dickbot, but the machine is at least 35% accurate, which is higher than the President’s approval rating. How they determined the accuracy of the machine, when the terrorist activities it predicted never happened, is just another miracle of science.

The possibilities of broader applications for this machine are mind-boggling. Once the technology is stabilized and becomes slightly more accurate than the actual legal system&#8212the sweet spot is 53%&#8212it can be rolled out on a nationwide level for domestic crimes. Imagine the level of peace and tranquility that would prevail over the country. Predicting crime and putting people in jail beforehand would solve so many societal ills. Just think about streets devoid of hobos ready to cleave off the arm of a passersby for sustenance.

There would be a greater need for jails, but if we can build them in Afghanistan, we can build them anywhere. Like the bottom of the ocean. There is plenty of room down there.

Slantmouth hopes that this wonderful technology starts to proliferate and more terrorists can be put into a complete stasis, metaphorically. That way, their future terrorist activities will be a thing of the past, and their past will be a backdrop for future incarceration. Perhaps, one day we can even put an end to their past and future, stopping terrorists before they are born. If we could accomplish that, what could possibly go wrong?

~Julius Serpentine