THE VAULT

Freedom Thighs
February 5, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

America only makes patriots in one size: Extra Large.

The United States has seen a new surprise champion crowned in the highly competitive sport of eating disorders. Binge eating has surpassed anorexia and bulimia, the two popular consensus favorites to contend for the title. Health experts believe binge eating should be considered a major burden on public health and sweatpants everywhere.

While anorexia and bulimia are better know, due to frequent appearances in morbid HBO documentaries, binge eating has been left behind in the footrace for public attention, perhaps because of its asthma and high blood pressure. Since it is heavily associated with severe obesity, it can be easily overlooked in a country full of the disastrously large inhabitants. An overweight Twinkie is lost in a crowded corridor of corpulent cheesecakes.

At its core, like its emaciated cousins anorexia and bulimia, binge eating is a behavioral abnormality, but unlike its cousins it is not yet listed in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders. Its unclear if this exclusion contributed to binge eating’s low self-esteem or the depressing mix-tape found in its dorm room next to the open package of razor blades. More would be known if those suffering from eating disorders felt like they had someone to talk to about their problem.

A recent anorexia and bulimia study published in the UK suggests that the vast majority of young people with eating disorders believe they have no one to turn to for help and many of them also believe that participating in the study did not burn nearly enough calories. Surrounded by a slew of slim celebrities in the mass media, youth feel immense pressure to conform and be thin, much in the way that Michael Jackson, surrounded by white people, felt the need to stop being black.

It only hurts the first time.

Unfortunately, teenage girls generally do not possess the sheer amount of wealth necessary to have massive plastic surgery. They must resort to old fashion methods, like downing twenty laxatives in a span of five minutes. Some girls are resorting to another popular old fashion method and wearing a corset, which they know is securely fastened once one of their lungs has completely collapsed and they can feel their heartbeat at the back of their eyeballs.

Some youth who already suffer from binge eating actually feel more depressed and hopeless because of popular celebrity imagery, which contributes to increased binging. This is like if Michael Jackson became so depressed by his own racial identity that he slowly became blacker and transformed into Malcolm X.

The effect of celebrity culture on the psychology of young people is not restricted to the female sex. Surprisingly, males are also subject to these disorders. In the United States binge eating afflicts 3.5 percent of woman and 2 percent of men sometime in their lives, which is actually far lower than the percentage of Americans with genital herpes. The average lifetime duration of binge eating is 8.1 years, which is also far lower than genital herpes, which duration lasts forever, or until the inflicted person decides to become a eunuch, which is not a popular option outside of the fetish community.

While the United States and the United Kingdom try to come to grips with how to better identify and help those afflicted with eating disorders, we here at Slantmouth have a different plan. Rather than go on the defensive and help the youth after they have already been ravaged by a disorder, we will be going on the offensive. We will preemptively attack the source of the problem well before it can reach our shores.

We will have no remorse, Joan.

Today marks the beginning of a new campaign, the war against celebrity. The enemy is not clearly defined, but they do appear on television from time to time, selling themselves with a series of carefully constructed statements. Sometimes they meet at large gatherings where they plot and pat each other on the back for their latest crimes committed to film. They give these meetings non-threatening names like “award show” or “award ceremony” and strew middling jokes throughout to disarm the public.

It is inside of these gatherings that celebrities all gawk at each other, trying to make sure that they are in fact the most anemically attractive person there. Then they broadcast these images across the world and post them on the cover of magazines to convince the public to participate in this inhuman competition. These celebrities hate our freedom to only go to the gym twice a week and occasionally eat a bag of Doritos if we feel like it. They want to impose their way of life on the rest of us.

It is high time this was stopped and it will take a monumental effort to make it happen. So join Slantmouth in putting an end to these “award shows” before they subvert the very values that the United States was founded on. We must protect our freedoms for future generations, so they will be free to develop a completely different and more freedom-friendly set of mental disorders. Just remember the children.

Failure is not an option.

~Julius Serpentine