THE VAULT

Extinction Agenda
June 5, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

What the Eff is That?

The year was 2006, minus about 250 million years. All types of creatures roamed the earth. They skipped and frolicked through fields. They swam synchronized in complex patterns through pristine oceans. The proto-Slantmouth reporter first emerged from the underbrush of a vast and wonderful forest. Then it happened.

The details are sketchy, but what information we can cobble together indicates that something terrible happened. A global catastrophe was taking place. Animals scattered looking for ways to escape the dark hand of fate, but it was not to be.

What happened on that day, when the earth was plunged into night and day simultaneously?

The End is Nigh!

Speculation, the favorite pastime of 67.4 percent of all scientists, ran rampant. Was it the work of an intergalactic Emperor putting hydrogen bombs in our volcanoes for his own fiendish purposes? Did the overuse of aerosol hair spray in those days of phenomenally hairy creatures finally catch up with the planet? Was it the work of the separatist Australians in a bid to form their own irresistibly Australian continent?

Ladies and Gentlemen, science has, once again, come to the rescue. It has been discovered that 250 million years ago a 3o mile wide meteor hit the earth creating a 300-mile wide crater, which is now buried beneath the ice of Antarctica. The effects of the meteor created an extinction extravaganza leading to the deaths of 96 percent of all marine life and 70 percent of all land species.

This particular meteor and ensuing uber-extinction should not be confused with the meteor that later destroyed the dinosaurs. If you have trouble remembering the difference here is a short poem written by Josh Warner, age 8:

“250 million years ago a bunch of ugly stuff died.
65 million years ago Barney Rubble cried.”

Armageddon: Probably even Worse than the Movie of the Same Name.

In any case, the meteor, besides creating the best action movie in the history of time not starring Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, may have begun the break-up of the super-continent Gondwana, usually called Gondwanaland by those who prefer a theme park sensibility. Australia is suspected to be the first to leave the nest, likely because it was tired of living under Gondwanaland’s rules.

Professor Ralph Von Frese announced the finds of the study, which led to the discovery of the crater, to the American Geophysical Union Joint Assembly. He called the crater the “planetary equivalent to a bump on the head”. Usually a bump on the head does not lead to the death and suffering of nearly every living creature on earth, but it is possible that a bump on the head caused by a giant rock hurling through space for millions of years could produce similar results.

The military-industrial complex was been buzzing with the news of this discovery. These findings could lead to cheap, affordable death machines for all of mankind. Who knew flying, city-sized rocks could be so destructive?

With the abundance of rocks on earth, major defense contractors are salivating at the opportunity to harvest rocks, stick them together, and sell them for huge profits, so wealthy governments can drop them on poor people in underdeveloped nations. It looks like a win-win for the military-industrial complex.

Prepare for the Worst

If we observe history we can see that it’s inevitable that a large space rock will come hurling towards our unsuspecting little blue planet, sooner than later. There will undoubtedly be death, destruction, gratuitous sex, and all the other things we have learned to enjoy from watching television. As fun as that might all look on your flat screen at home, trust us, it will not be fun in the least. There will be no oil drillers flying off to space to save the day. There will be no clever Deus Ex Machina. A giant lizard will not emerge from the sea to save your narrow, island nation. Cthulhu will not divert the meteor so that he can save the destruction of humanity for himself.

Live like there is no tomorrow because, according to most dinosaurs, there isn’t one. Death comes and he rides a colossal stone chariot. There’s no point in running. Just remember to buy some aspirin and some sports cream, because we are about to experience a soccer ball in the crotch on a planetary scale.

~Julius Serpentine