THE VAULT

Escape From New Orleans
February 27, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Party Gras, May God Help Us All

Mardi Gras has been a staple of New Orleans culture since 1699. However, expectations are that this year’s Mardi Gras celebration will not match up to the size of previous years. Analysts expect a 65% drop in debauchery and a shocking 75% drop in nudity. The reason? Hurricane Katrina.

Katrina ravaged the entire city. Many of the low-lying areas of the city were completely destroyed, forcing much of the population of New Orleans to leave. This mostly included poor and middle class black residents. Philanthropist, race relation expert, and part-time musician Kanye West commented, “While my people were out in New Orleans drowning, Bush was in Washington drowning kittens. I seen that [fecal matter], man”

Many of the usual tourists who come to participate in Mardi Gras feel that parading in streets, where only months ago dead bodies were floating, is not a fun way to spend a few days. Others feel that the only way to move on from the tragedy is to go about their daily lives, as they normally would. As many government sponsored PSA’s have told us, if they don’t, the terrorists win.

Mardi Gras symbolizes the spirit of New Orleans, as Slantmouth’s resident historian Herodotus explains, “The New Orleans Mardi Gras was started by the early French settlers of Louisiana. This helps explain the giant parade floats made out of baguettes fashioned in the image of Jerry Lewis, the famous French General. The festivities were also rooted in Catholic rituals. This may explain the debauchery that has become the public face of the celebration.”

“I can’t even imagine what a monastery smells like. Sexual frustration and cheese, no doubt. Lysol does some of its biggest business through the Church.”

The New Orleans Mardi Gras is famous for it’s krewes. A krewe is an organization that put together a parade or ball during the Mardi Gras carnival season. The various krewes of New Orleans have promised to make this Mardi Gras a celebration of life to lift the spirit of their battered city.

The Ku Klux Krewe promises that they will have many fiery displays to keep the crowds entertained. Their parade will include live horses and a petting zoo for the kids.

The Kermit Krewe, led my famous frog celebrity Kermit the Frog, will team up with the Kleaning Krewe to assist city officials in providing sanitation for the duration of the festivities. Slantmouth caught up with Kermit who would only say, “Where’s Bourbon Street? These Quaaludes are wearing off.”

An organization calling themselves The Krewe will be holding a recruiting drive to add new members. Each new member will receive a free bandana and an automatic weapon. A spokesman for the group, DJ Killadood said, “We just wanna add some flava to this festival. We gotta invite people to our culture. Expose the world to our positive qualities, like a drunk chick on Bourbon Street. Make em unda’stand. Ya heard?”

In recent years, the public face of Mardi Gras has been rampant debauchery, but in actuality much of the festivities are family friendly. Slantmouth sent its Ingenious Acronym Department, the most morally upright Department in the Slantmouth corporate hierarchy, to New Orleans in order to observe the carnival and see if it was, in fact, family friendly. In a seperate experiment designed by the Slantmouth Applied Science Research Laboratory, the Department was asked to come up with clever acronyms for FEMA. The best response that came back was a tie between Floppy Eared Marine Animal and Filthy Electronic Marital Aid.

It was scientifically determined that these responses were written under the influence of some very family unfriendly substances. The entire Ingenious Acronym Department has been sent to timeout, giving them time to think about what they have done.

In order to prevent further disasters from afflicting New Orleans and future Mardi Gras celebrations, the rights to operate the New Orleans port has been sold to Dubai Ports World, a company that operates in the United Arab Emirates. They will not only operate the port, but will also provide protection against Hurricanes. How protection will be provided is still up in the air, but the White House has determined that it cannot be any worse than the handling of Katrina.

The sale of ports to DP World has worked many in Congress, Republican and Democrat alike, into a frenzy. Representative James Roberts (R – Connersville) said, “Two of the hijackers from September 11 were from the UAE. You can’t just sell them rights to operate our ports. Didn’t anyone get the memo?”

Citizens from across the country are just as concerned. A member of the New Orleans Ku Klux Krewe expressed his outrage, saying, “We lost quite an outstanding number African American families in Katrina; I mean, it was great! And now we’re importing a bunch of camel jockeying, rag-heads? What the hell? This is the south, goddammit!“

Currently, a plan is being hashed out to review DP World’s purchase of the port rights. Slantmouth’s Completely Legal Surveillance Department has learned, through wiretaps placed without a warrant, that the reason for the White House’s backing of the DP World deal is so that they can deflect attention from themselves the next time a hurricane hits. Through the use of highly-legal listening bugs placed in the Presidents secret underground Children’s Learning and Torture Centre, Slantmouth heard Bush say, “Wake up Mr. West! Next time it’ll be the Arabs that do not care about black people.”

America: 1, Dirty Filthy Terrorist-Bags: 0.

~Julius Serpentine