THE VAULT

Eruption Imminent!
May 15, 2006 by The Colonel

She's Going to Blow!

Near Jakarta, Indonesia, the dreaded Mount Merapi has been rumbling for about a month, but the lava bubbling out in the last few days could be a warning of things to come. As always, the staff here at Slantmouth is looking out for signs of the end times. And as signs go, volcanoes are right up there with huge hurricanes, killer quakes, and scary tsunamis. “Clearly,” said Michael Ramsey of the University of Pittsburgh, “it looks like things may be getting much worse.”

Slantmouth couldn’t agree more. Of course, Mr. Ramsey speaks of volcanoes, whilst we speak of things in general, but the principal remains the same. And although vulcanologists (people who study volcanoes, not Spock– really) everywhere are warning the people of the surrounding villages to evacuate, they are ignoring their impending doom.

What a wonderful day to be covered in molten lava!

Superstitious by nature, the locals are waiting for specific signs, such as clouds in the shape of a sheep’s fleece to show them an eruption is imminent. This brings scientists to question, “What cloud isn’t in the shape of sheep’s fleece? Run!” Still, local villagers persist. According to Asmo, an elderly farmer, “Man, screw that volcano. I’ve got cows to milk and grass to cut. So what if it wants me to sacrifice a cow? Time is money, man. A Player’s got to play. A Pimper’s got to pimp. And a Farmer’s got to farm. WU-TANG!

Another villager, Budi, said that, “Unlike Ben Affleck, my feeling is it will not blow at this time.” Still, scientists are concerned by the alarming shortage of virgin sacrifices to the volcano this year. “While the scientific relevance of a sacrifice seems dubious at best, we feel it’s better to err on the side of caution. Which is exactly why we’re sending so many scientists to the scene.”

A local had this to say, “We would’ve been sacrificing like crazy this year. I mean, the weather’s good. But these kids nowadays, you know how they are. I blame MTV Indonesia.” He continued, “These scientists are doing good work. It’s clear that none of these guys have even smelled a woman, let alone touched one. They’re doing good work.”

The terrifying eyes of wisdom.

In yet another illustrious Slantmouth exclusive, we bring you the story behind the story, with an exclusive interview with the mythical man of the mountain, Mr. Marijan. According to local beliefs, Mr. Marijan can see the condition of the volcano from the “mystical” or “horse crap” side. If Mr. Marijan does not leave the mountain, the villagers won’t, either.

Here is the interview.

Slantmouth: Mr. Marijan, why don’t you tell the villagers to leave?

Mr. Marijan: Because the mountain spirits tell me that they’re cold chillin’.

SM: But clearly, it’s going to erupt, (a tremor rocks the small hut in which the interview is taking place) see? The volcanic activity knocked over your tea!

MM: I didn’t want that tea, anyhow. That was just the spirits clearing the table for me.

SM: We have science to back up our beliefs, what do you have to confirm the existence of volcano spirits?

MM: Well, we haven’t had an eruption yet, and we’ve been doing the sacrifices, so that must mean that the method is working. That the spirits are appeased.

SM: And if there’s an eruption?

MM: No further questions. This interview is over. (Mr. Marijan then proceeded to knock over the mic, defecate on the floor, and storm out of his own hut.)

Although we’re not sure what is going to happen over the next few days and weeks, we know a few things are certain. Science is often incorrect when it comes to predictions. As can be noticed with any weather forecast, science consistently fails us. We also know that no matter how in touch a guy claims to be with “volcano spirits” he’s going to be just as correct as scientists at least 50% of the time. Fortunately for him, the other half can be blamed on just about anything; be it lack of virgin sacrifice, or the spirits messing with his head.

Regardless, for our readers in Indonesia (who are responsible for at least 73% of our weekly web traffic) we urge those in the path of the eruption to leave, as ash and magma stains are really hard to get out of your khakis. We wish you a safe voyage and remember- keep running, and whatever you do, don’t look back.

~The Colonel