THE VAULT

Enter the Dragon
October 15, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

The Dalai Lama will be meeting with President Bush, a day before heading to Congress to receive their highest civilian award, the Congressional Gold Medal. Perhaps Mr. Lama should consider wearing a nice suit, instead of his usual sheet-and-meet ensemble. Most events in Congress go over better with the absence of visible armpit hair. It already smells enough like old men in the Capital Building without the added aroma of Dalai Lama B.O. and its high concentration of “Holy.”

While giving out gold medals is usually a joyous occasion, at least before the urine samples are tested, China objects heavily to honoring a man they regard as a separatist leader. The Dalai Lama has been fighting for the autonomy of Tibet for many years. He’s been exiled in India since 1959, following the failure of a resistance movement against Chinese occupation. Despite wearing red robes constantly, the Communist Chinese government hates his guts. It’s hard to hate a guy that wrote a book entitled The Art of Happiness, unless you hate happiness, which Communists do. They also despise rainbows, teddy bears, and most of the recent Woody Allen movies. To be fair, it’s difficult to blame them for that last one. The Chinese government knows torture when they see it.

They have also recently blamed the Dalai Lama for a protest that got out of control in India, where Tibetan monks chained themselves to a flag pole inside of the Chinese embassy. China’s Foreign Minister feels this is just another attempt by the spiritual leader to “destroy the stability and development of China’s Tibetan Autonomous Region,” through a devious combination of chains and their pole. It’s difficult to think of many things more evil and, simultaneously, S&M sexually suggestive than that. He added, “These plots are doomed to fail.” Indeed, shortly after the monks chained themselves, men dressed like cops brought in the handcuffs, in what can only be classified as a massive failure of human decency.

The Dalai Lama is being given the award by Congress for “his many enduring and outstanding contributions to peace, nonviolence, human rights and religious understanding.” President Bush will be present during the ceremony, which makes sense. If those are usually the criterion for getting the award, he may never get a chance to see one of these ceremonies again. At least he will have his Presidential Library full of easy reader books to keep him warm.

Previous recipients of the Congressional Gold Medal include Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, and Nelson Mandela. Looking at that list, you may notice a disturbing pattern; they are all now dead. Well, except for Mandela, but if life were a horror movie, which it very nearly is, he’d be the first one dead. With that in mind, perhaps the Dalai Lama should reconsidered receiving the Congressional medal. Is receiving a medal really worth his life?

On further reflection, the current Dalai Lama is the 14th reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. Upon death he will return again and if the Lama has special spiritual powers, which he obviously must, he should be able to choose the form of his next reincarnation. In the case that any of this wild speculation is even remotely true, he should come back as an amazing fire-breathing dragon! What better way to help his homeland obtain the autonomy it deserves and bring in the Chinese new year than terrifying the ruling Communist Party with fire and loud roaring.

Slantmouth, just like the Dalai Lama, is not in favor of violence, unless that violence is being committed by a gigantic dragon. In the case of massive dragon ultra-violence, we line up squarely in the “unconditional support” column, especially when the “victims”, if you want to call them that, are Communists or Nazis. Frankly, it saves us a lot of effort that is usually devoted to punching them. So, Dalai Lama, congratulations on the honor, and when you come back as a death dealing dragon of destruction give Slantmouth a call. We’ve been dying to make some smores over an Commie-fueled open flame.

~Julius Serpentine