THE VAULT

Desperately Seeking Osama
January 23, 2006 by The Colonel

Bin Laden says, 'Big ups to mah Peeps!'

This week can only be described as an All Star al Qaeda Mix Tape Extravaganza! Coming in at Number One, the man himself, Osama “Rock yo’ Momma” bin Laden, with his smash hit, “Recruitin’ Ain’t Easy”. And how can we forget, Osama’s number two, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with his 17-minute hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Cavern.”

First, Osama… wait, is it Usama? Does anyone know how to spell this guy’s name? One would assume that after looking for an individual for well over 4 years, we’d have that minor detail hammered out. No wonder he’s so elusive! For the sake of clarity, he will be referred to as Sgt. Pickles for the remainder of this article.

On Thursday of last week, a tape recorded by Sgt. Pickles was released, saying that another attack on US soil was, “only a question of time.” It is assumed that they’re having some difficulty in finding people gullible enough to blow themselves up. And the army thinks it has problems meeting recruiting goals. Regardless, the tape mentioned something about being in the planning phases of another attack, and to be patient, because like a good quiche, these things take time. Although this message was to serve as a stern warning, the ET-fingered terror maestro also offered up the possibility of a truce, in light of recent US polls.

The question here is: how does Sgt. Pickles have access to CNN poll statistics? Even if his cave gets cable, it’s probably only basic, and the likelihood of picking up anything but reruns of “I Love Lucy” seems a bit of a stretch at best.

On behalf of his terrorist network, Pickles states that, “…we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.” Sounding somewhat shaken, he added, “Come on, guys. I’ve been living in a cave for, like, 5 years or some junk. Enough is enough. Do you have any idea what my beard smells like?”

In a press release shortly after, President Bush swiftly responded, saying, “Those guys are total douche bags. Don’t mess with Texas.” Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan elaborated stating, “We do not negotiate with terrorists. We put them out of business. We kick down their proverbial Lemonade stands with the weighty boots of Justice.”

The good news is that the Pentagon is reporting no increase in “chatter” since the tapes, which can mean one of only two things:
1. There aren’t going to be any new terrorist attacks soon.
2. The FBI has mistakenly been monitoring a nest of squirrels.

Although the latter does explain why the terror alert system for Washington, DC goes to orange whenever a hawk flies over Rock Creek Park.

The devil also chimed in, predictably saying, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists. I think you have to destroy them. It’s the only way to deal with them.” This ranks in at red on our official government B.S. scale, as it sounds like a line from a Raid commercial. Regardless of whom we’re dealing with, this seems like a harsh statement to make. Terrorists may be terrorists, but despite their name, perhaps they’re just misunderstood. You know, like wolves. Or sharks. I’m sure they have their sensitive side.

To prove my point, al Qaeda’s second in command and flutist for “Sgt. Pickles Lonely Hearts Club Band,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, released a 17-minute tape of poetry this Friday.

In the tape, he reads a poem called, “Tears in the Eyes of Time.”

Here’s an excerpt:

“Girl,
It’s been a long time, girl.
You’re so super-fine, girl,
I wanna get freaky wit’ you.

Girl,
I like you.
So, if you like me too,
Please circle yes or no,
On the note I’m sending you.

Girl.”

I’m not sure what any of that has to do with time, tears, or terrorism, but it is abundantly clear that terrorists are nothing more than misunderstood poets, who also like sending people to blow up other people. Let’s face it, that’s what most poets only wish they could do.

What have we learned? We have learned that, much like roaches, killing terrorists is not enough. We must destroy them, by giving them a poisonous biscuit that they will take back to their caves and feed to the rest of their terrorist babies, thus taking out the nest at its source.

We also learned that, much like anyone else, terrorists have a sensitive side. Sometimes they’re misunderstood. When they’re not slaughtering innocent people, they occasionally find time to love their mothers, offer truces, pet puppies, or read sappy, poorly written love poems to their girlfriends delivered via Al Jazeera television.

Wait, I think I get you terrorists now! You offer up a truce and the government only laughs at you, then calls you a bunch of whiny sissies. You write poetry, and everyone just shakes their head and giggles while you’re not looking.

You do things to try to get their attention, and all they do is try to make you fit in with their “rules.” You say, “Screw rules, I wanna wear makeup and write poetry about how dark and hopeless my life is.” And after all that you’ve done, they go after some guy that you hate! It’s no wonder you’re so pouty and brooding.

They simply won’t pay any attention to you. Even Fox News stopped covering you on Saturday as soon as something more interesting and depressing happened. You’re like the forgotten emo kids of the international community, and your parents just don’t “get” you.

So from Slantmouth to you terrorists all across the land,
take it from us, governments just don’t understand.

~The Colonel