THE VAULT

Death Monkey: The First Trifecta of Death
December 27, 2006 by Xavier Portus Death Monkey

I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.

But back to the task at hand, you might be wondering, why does it seem like whenever one famous person dies, two more die right after? Well, unfortunately for celebrities, the universe has laws of three. That’s why there are Three Stooges, Three Tenors, Six Degrees of Separation (divisible by two) Nine Planets (divisible by three–incidentally, scientists can shove it) and Twelve Apostles (divisible by four).

What makes this true? Speculation and hearsay, mostly, but this is where we’ll gladly continue. So, being that we’ve had two rather famous folks die this week, you must be wondering, “Who’s next?” Don’t worry, death watchers, we in the dying game have a tried and true method.

First, we take a randomly selected pool of every relatively important celebrity known to man. Young, old, sane, and psychotic alike, we put them into our automated death database, warmly known as the Deathtron 6000. Next, we assemble a crack team of dead scientists to crunch these numbers and output a list of 33 celebrities who are either close to dying, or really deserve to. Finally, using the printouts from our patented Deathtron, we affix them to a dart board, blind-fold the most senior member of the Death Committee, and have that member whip darts blindly until we have a winner.

Obviously, we’ve already chosen the third, and while there’s no way Death would tell you who the next one will be, your faithful Death Monkey will be glad to.

And now, the celebrity carefully selected from our rigorous process, the next celebrity in the Trifecta of Death is:

Ashley Simpson.

All right, seriously… who’s been screwing with the Deathtron?

I would’ve easily picked a deposed dictator, or something.

~Xavier Portus Death Monkey