THE VAULT

Counting The Daze
January 17, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

The face...of DOOM!

Steven Hawking, the wheeled prophet, has once again come forward to foretell humanities end, but this time he has brought some friends. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS), a Chicago-based organization to which Hawking belongs, is backing up his latest claim of doom.

At a conference organized by BAS, Hawking announced that the organization would be moving their “Doomsday Clock” forward by two minutes, indicating scientist’s growing concern over the rise of new nuclear powers and the increasing effects of global warming. The current time now on the clock is five minutes to midnight. Midnight signifies the end of human civilization, as well as when Girls Gone Wild commercials go into heavy rotation.

The clock was first created in 1947 as a way for concerned scientists to express the risk of nuclear weapons to the public, following the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Nothing says danger quite like the face of a nice timepiece.

Come on, baby. Make love to the camera.

Hawking told attendees that humanity “stands at the brink of a second nuclear age and a period of unprecedented climate change.” While he felt that it was the job of scientists to inform the public of these dangers, he did not feel it was necessary to explain what a minute on the “Doomsday Clock” actually represented. No doubt, the math behind it is so complex a mere layperson would never be able to comprehend the true meaning of a “Doom Minute”.

The clock has been closer to midnight in the past, including being as close as two minutes away in 1953, following the successful testing of a hydrogen bomb by the United States. On the other hand, it was set back all the way to seventeen minutes from midnight in 1991 due to the collapse of the Soviet Union and the observation of Doomsday Savings Time (DST).

Slantmouth is thankful such brilliant minds exist to tell us when things are going wrong, because, as foolish laypeople, our tiny brains would have no idea that the world was not in an ideal state. The repeated mentions of North Korean nuclear tests and melting polar icecaps on the news just never get the point across like a giant clock. We are having our very own Doomsday Clock installed at the Slantmouth offices so we never forget the constant threats facing humanity. It will look great next to our life-sized Steven Hawking “Action Scientist” poster.

~Julius Serpentine