THE VAULT

Choose Your Own DANGER!
August 28, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

That kid's got a nail clipper, TAKE HIM DOWN!

In the wake of the recent wave of terror related arrests, we here at Slantmouth feel it is our duty to prepare our fine readers in the event that they themselves must face-off against deadly terrorists. Using the power of the internet, we have carefully crafted a realistic simulation of what an average person may face when encountering a run-of-the-mill terrorist cell bent on killing themselves, innocent civilians, and, most importantly, you.

For those faint of heart or not willing to make the tremendous sacrifice required in battling terrorist scum, be warned that you may sustain severe psychological damage through the use of this simulation.

Vegas, baby, VEGAS!

You sit down in your economy-class seat. Boarding has just started on this Las Vegas bound flight. You’ve been anticipating this vacation for weeks. To your over-worked, caffeine-addled mind, dropping a few thousand dollars on the vague hope of being a winner seems like a perfect way to relax. Yes, Vegas- where people from around the globe travel through the desert to quench their thirsts in a mirage come-to-life.

As you wait for the other passengers to board, you grab the in-flight magazine. Thumbing through the pages, you pretend to ignore the small uncomfortable bounce your own seat makes when a young gentleman plops down next to you. Attempting to sneak a peek at the individual who would dare cause you this discomfort, you notice the man has a long, full beard. Your eyes quickly dart back to a fine article on the merits of cruise ships.

This bearded specter can only be a sign of bad luck and, on a trip to Vegas, the last thing you need is bad luck. You also do not need to be blown up or stabbed with a nail clipper.

What do you do?

Tackle the dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

Get a better look at the dirty terrorist to get an idea of if you can actually take him down.

Keep reading your magazine and hope that this all goes away.

Take that, Terror Monger!

Tackle the dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

All of a sudden you pounce upon the terrorist, slamming his brain-washed head against the aisle floor. You hear a cracking sound and take this to be his terrorist will being broken. As you slap him about the head and neck with your rolled-up in-flight magazine you pause and notice something: he’s white.

This is something you probably could have noticed before, had you not been too terrified to look up at the alleged terrorist. You’ve clearly made a terrible mistake because there is nothing particularly lucky about cracking open the skull of a bearded white man. This will probably catch up with you later on the blackjack table.

As you start giving the man CPR, as if you were trying to help him all along, you see some men approaching you. It’s airport security!

As they drag you away you recall a strange memory of your days in juvenile hall, where you had to duct tape your underwear on to prevent any unwanted intrusions. You’re not sure why you remember this.

The end.
Start Over?

Hippies are terrorists, too.

Get a better look at the dirty terrorist to get an idea of if you can actually take him down.

As you slyly look up from your magazine, you catch a glimpse of the terrorist suspect from the corner of your eye. To your shock you notice that the bearded man is white! You breathe a sigh of relief because terrorists are never white.

Settling back into your seat, you wipe a bead of sweat from your brow. You were really nervous there for a second, but now that you are sitting next to a genuine white American you feel at ease. In fact, you feel so at ease you start to recline your seat back to get your vacation started right. You ignore the sounds of discomfort coming from the passenger behind you and continue to read about Caribbean cruise ships.

Your short journey into relaxation is ended when a second man sits next to you. You actually get a look at his man before panicking, having learned your lesson from the first time. He has a full beard and not only that, he appears to be Middle Eastern! Or he could possibly be from a Pacific Island nation, or South America. One thing is for sure; he has a beard and he is not white.

You stop reclining and intently stare at your magazine. You start to sweat again as your mind works overtime to figure out your next move.

What do you do?

Tackle the dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

Keep reading your magazine and hope that this all goes away.

Reading is Fundamental... ist!

Keep reading your magazine and hope that this all goes away.

As you attempt to read the magazine, your shoulders become tense. You usually find cruise ships and articles about cruise ships very interesting but you can’t seem to concentrate. The idea of sitting next to a terrorist, who may at any moment take over this plane with his nail clippers, leaves your mind swirling. Various situations involving varying degrees of nail clipper violence flux in and out of focus. The fluctuation of scenarios slows down, until finally coming to rest on a fairly grisly image of you being decapitated with a nail file.

As you try to come to grips with your fate, another man sits down next to you. While still staring at the image of a smiling dolphin swimming next to a cruise ship, you notice that this man also has a full beard. Not as long as the first man but definitely a beard. You wonder if it’s a “beards are free” weekend in Vegas or if there is some sort of beard convention.

The idea of sitting between two terrorists has you on the edge. If anything happens you will be the first to go or you will at least be the first hostage. You don’t expect you would make a very good hostage, taking into account that you involuntarily scream when sharp objects are pointed at you. It’s what forced you to leave the fencing team in high school.

Your head is pounding as the cogs of thought slowly churn. What do you do?

Tackle the first dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

Tackle the second dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

Keep reading your magazine and hope that this all goes away.

There's another one! Get 'im!

Tackle the dirty terrorist while he’s still unaware that you’ve caught on to his plan.

You sit, tense, waiting for the right moment. Then, when the terrorist least suspects it, you leap on him and knock him to the floor. He lies immobile in the aisle for a moment, as he attempts to gather his senses. You take the opportunity to jump on him and start wailing on his head and tiny terrorist brain with your rolled-up in-flight magazine. A few pages from an article about the site-seeing opportunities in Detroit tear and fly into the air. You feel a little sad because you really wanted to read that article.

As the terrorist finally realizes what is happening he reaches for something strapped to his leg. Everything is moving so fast that you think he might be reaching for a bottle of shampoo to detonate his clever bomb. It turns out to be a handgun!

The armed terrorist slams you in the head with butt of his gun. You fall back and grab your head. The throbbing pain makes you reconsider for a moment your plan to take on terrorism. You think that maybe it’s time to cut and run. Rushing in completely unprepared has not yielded the desired results.

After a moment of hesitation, you charge at the terrorist. The adrenaline rushing through your veins compels you.

You once again leap upon the terrorist hoping to put him down for good. As you get your arms around him he unloads a shot into your chest. Falling to the ground, you realize, as he flashes his badge, that you’ve been attacking an Air Marshall.

As you slip away you feel your bowel muscles start to loosen. You feel embarrassed but somewhat relieved that the bran muffin you had earlier has produced the desired result.

The end.
Start Over?

You can BARELY call that reading.

Keep reading your magazine and hope that this all goes away.

You try desperately to keep your eyes focused on the cruise ships in the magazine. You grow more and more tense the harder you focus. You begin sweating profusely.

You try to calm yourself by picturing yourself on a cruise ship, sailing somewhere safe, somewhere that isn’t an airplane full of terrorists who want you dead. You succeed for a bit and are magically transported to a sunny day with plenty of shuffleboard. Fortunately, dreaming about all of that water makes you desperately want to go to the bathroom, which gives you an idea of how to escape this situation.

As you get up to leave for the bathroom, a man stands up and is carrying a really big pair of scissors. He proclaims that he is a terrorist and he has come to take over the plane. Much to your surprise this man doesn’t even have a beard, not even devilish facial hair like those weird beards those Saudi princes have.

Since you are standing he points the scissors in your direction, which makes you involuntarily scream. This startles the apparent rookie terrorist, who instinctually throws the scissors at you like a throwing knife, a skill no doubt learned at a terrorist training camp well equipped with monkey bars and other terrorist-grade playground equipment.

You feel a sharp pain in your neck and promptly collapse to the floor. You hear some screaming from the men who were sitting next to you, apparently not handling your loss of blood very well. They may have not been the terrorists you thought they were.

As you slip into an eternal sleep, you think about cruise ships and that Metamucil you took this morning, which seems to be doing its job.

The end.
Start Over?

Calm as Hindu Cows.

The End.

Hopefully, this will help us deal with any terrorist situation. With a little know-how and some training we can be a part of the global solution against terror. If we act completely out of constant fear and anxiety there is no one who can get in our way. We can do it… together.

~Julius Serpentine