THE VAULT

Bore me, Al Gore
July 18, 2008 by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it’s probably the same old rigmarole. “Blah, blah, icecaps,” and “Yadda, yadda, carbon.” Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff’s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you’d tell everyone it was their personal responsibility, and when you did, some of us listened. We bought carbon offset points and looked like douches when we drove our hybrids, but what’s this? OH, it’s not in the hands of ordinary citizens anymore, eh? It’s the corporations and politicians who need to make the tough decisions, right?

Thanks a lot, jerkweed. Do you have any idea how much sweet monkey tail I’ve been missing out on thanks to my Prius? Tons. It’s not like monkey chicks are clamoring over me because I’m smart. They need an external show of how much money these smarts earn me before they get interested. Then, once they are, I can treat ’em like crap and leave ’em.

Instead, all I’ve been getting are hippies with hair in weird places. And if you think it’s weird on humans, you can only imagine what it’s like on monkeys.

Long story short, Al, pick a tone and stick to it. I know the planet’s temperature is rising faster than a Class-2 scud missile, but it doesn’t mean my temper has to.

Christ, I’ve got to stop writing about global warming. I think I’m losing fur.

~Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey