Beijing 2008: One World, One Yawn
April 8, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

So... the Beijing Olympics are going to be some freaky bondage party?

Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China’s human rights record, which is terrible, especially when compared to their record for number of steroid-enhanced female gymnasts with mustaches. Watch for the one with the handle-bar mustache this Summer. She is great on the parallel bars. Just do not use the shower after she shaves her legs; it’s gruesome.

Even under a cursory glance, China has a lengthy history of smashing-in the skull of dissent. A recent crackdown in Tibet has fueled the latest wave of anger, which in turn has manifested itself into a lot of flag waving and slogan chanting. China is not exactly shaking in their boots and the crushing mechanisms of oppression will continue unabated. This however has not stopped the zeal of the protesters. They have a point to make and, dammit, they will make it. The uncaring eye of China looks on, likely checking out some hot Asian girls, like so many hairy-palmed suburban teenagers with broadband.

In London, more than 2,000 officers were deployed to insure safe passage of the Olympic Torch. Despite the show of force, several scuffles broke out. A man armed with a fire extinguisher even attempted to put out the Olympic Flame, but only ended up spraying several officers. The man is currently in stable condition and is digging his teeth out of his own ass, vainly attempting to stop it from resembling Mr. Ed.

In Paris, more than 3,000 officers where deployed. There were even police on rollerblades protecting the Torch. Shockingly, the rollerblades were not enough as Olympic organizers were forced to snuff out the flame and transport the Torch via bus. It is as though the man in London had his plan come to fruition in some roundabout way. The flame was extinguished and, to top it off, it was done by Olympic representatives. If we lived in a world where no one knew how to make fire, surely this would be considered a major victory. Instead, it serves as a purely symbolic victory. You see, the flame of oppression was finally destroyed. As it was stamped by the boots of Justice, children all over the world joined hands and sang “My Rainbow Race” by Pete Seeger. Well, at least until someone took out their repressive cigarette lighter of death and despair and lit that flame back up, but you get the point. It was a beautiful metaphor.

Tibetan organizations have pledged to protest at every stop of the Olympic Torch’s journey, covering 21 different countries. Who exactly they plan to effect with these protests is unclear. A single protest inside the borders of a country, no matter how peaceful or how violent or how much Sean Penn is involved, is not likely to change how that country deals with anything. Additionally, it is well established that China could not care less about dissenting opinion. The only remaining object of protest is the Olympics, which is only interested in propagating itself. If China is willing to pay the tab, the Olympics will be their baby momma any time.

Slantmouth has deduced that the only one who is truly being influenced by this is the general public. What would have originally been a small mention on the evening news has become a legitimate story. Somehow, the protesters have gotten people interested in the Olympics, something no one ever cares about. It is utterly remarkable and a brilliant move on their part if they were actually working for either the Olympics or China, but somehow we don’t think that was really their point. If it’s OK by the protesters, we will go back to not caring about the Olympics. Again.

~Julius Serpentine