THE VAULT

Bay Watch
May 22, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

A Moment Of Forced, Quiet Reflection

Dear United Nations Committee Against Torture,

Your recent call for the closure of Guantanamo Bay has come to my attention. The eleven-page report explaining your decision even graces my desk. While I may have not actually read the document, by the power vested in me by the Internet, I feel more than qualified to comment. Check my office wall. It has more dubious qualifications framed on it than most cable news terrorism experts.

I understand that you criticize the torture techniques that have allegedly been used at “The Bay”, as we in the know like to call it. Let me just say, torture is subjective. One man’s torture is another man’s good time. Take, for example, “water boarding”. You claim that we pour water over bound prisoners to make them think they are drowning. This, at best, is a willful twisting of facts. What you call “water boarding” I call a bath. Who doesn’t like a nice bath?

“The Bay” is in Cuba, if you didn’t know. It’s hot and humid, thus people sweat profusely. Inevitability, the sweating is followed by an orgy of smells. Those orange jumpsuits that the prisoners wear start to smell like the inside of a wet dog’s colon. We are only trying to alleviate a situation that the soldiers stationed in Cuba describe as a “smellocaust”.

What is being provided is a service. Who wouldn’t want a large group of men, and possibly a few attack dogs, to come to their house and pour water over them during the hot summer months? It’s like a pool party where everyone keeps their clothes on, except for those guys in the naked human pyramid. I don’t know what their deal is.

I know what you’re thinking Mr. UNCAT, if it is all fun and games then how do you explain the 39 suicide attempts since January 2002? That’s an easy one. There are always a few people who just do not know how to have a little fun. You know those guys who hug the walls during a party, standing back and observing with sad looks on their faces? It turns out if you keep them in a confined space long enough they might try to hang themselves with the elastic of their underpants. This discovery is a triumph for science!

I have to confess, it is not always a party at a military prison. You should take a look at some of the stuff that does down at our secret prisons in Eastern Europe. Just the other day at “The Bay” the prisoners were just having so much fun it turned into a riot. Contrary to popular belief, you can have too much fun and sometimes that fun has to be broken up with five shotgun blasts.

On a more tragic note, two residents of “The Bay” are unconscious at the hospital after overdosing on anti-depressants or “happy pills” as they are called on “The Bay’s” club scene. Sometimes the innocent fun of numbing your brain to the point where you forget that you are in confinement for an indeterminate amount of time turns deadly. Any whispers that these were suicide attempts overlooks the real problem here. These kids have to learn that some risks are not worth taking.

This is a point that I found conspicuously absent from your report, which I did not read. But do not worry; we are addressing this problem ourselves. We will be clamping down on excessive fun-having and putting prisoners in separate cages to protect them from their own excesses. You may think that we don’t care about these prisoners, but in reality they are like our brown little brothers. We want to rehabilitate them. We hope a little fun will break them of their terrorist ways.

So next time you want to write a report try not filling it with lies, like it was some sort of lie pie. Research your facts and, for your own sake, lighten up and have a little fun. We don’t want to have to bring you to “The Bay” for Official United States Fun Training. Besides, we have run out of cages.

Yours truly,

~Julius Serpentine