THE VAULT

Apostolic (visit) Now!
April 19, 2008 by The Colonel

Have you seen my papal horse?

As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation’s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope Benedict the XVI. While there haven’t been nearly as many Pope Benedicts as there have been Super Bowls, sixteen is still an impressive number. Clearly, these guys are doing something right.

Although the Pope has already left our good graces, we got a chance to sit down with him and get a Popetastic interview before he headed up to New York.

Slantmouth: Thank you for sitting down with us today… uh, your holiness? What do you prefer to be called?

Pope Benedict the XVI: Your grace, your emminence, your Popeliness. All are good.

S: We’re going to run with your Popeliness. So, your Popeliness, what do you make of Washington, DC?

P: It’s very nice. The people here are very kind. Even *I* didn’t realize how awesome I was. We filled up the stadium!

S: Not even The Nationals can do that.

P: Pardon?

S: Nevermind. So, your Popeliness, what’s it like being the Pope? How was the transition over to Popeitude?

P: To be honest, you know that guy Bono?

S: Yes, he’s that giant, living douche in that band, or whatever.

P: It’s like being Bono without the “doucheinthaband”. Should I get a “doucheinthaband”?

S: No, it’d be better that you didn’t.

P: You’re a nice young man.

S: I try. How did you decide on Benedict?

P: It’s traditional. Elegant. Also, I really love eggs.

S: So, your Popeingly Father, what’s up with the red shoes?

P: I like to be stylish. Bring back older traditions. You can’t argue with results.

[Pope moves gown to expose shoes.]

S: Those are pretty swanky, your Holy Popeinghood.

P: Thanks. Payless Shoes is very good to the church.

S: And while we’re on the topic of fashion, how heavy is that hat?

P: It’s all smoke and mirrors, although I do keep a muffin up here, just in case I need a light snack.

S: Can… can I wear it?

P: Sorry, Popes only.

S: Fair enough. So how was it meeting the President?

P: Oh, he’s a cute kid.

S: I hear he called your speech “awesome”.

P: It was, I mean, I’m the Pope.

S: I wanted to ask you about these new seven deadly sins. Why rehash on the classics?

P: It’s a new age. I’m trying to be a modern Pope. I’m actually thinking about adding an eighth.

S: An eight deadly sin?

P: Yeah. Something about being a jerk. It’s still in the rough drafts.

S: Sweet. Finally, is there anything you’d like to tell our readers that they may not have heard from your many, many speeches?

P: Yes. Don’t be jerks. If there’s one thing the Pope doesn’t like, it’s jerks. Also, take care of each other, although that goes along with not being a jerk, I suppose.

S: Your Eminent Popelinessinghood, thanks for talking to us. You’re alright.

P: Of course I am. I’m the Pope!

S: High five?

P: A blessed one, at that.

[The Pope and our interviewer exchange the international sign of awesomeness, the high five.]

There you have it, Pope Benedict the XVI. Surprisingly awesome, never disappointing, the Pope. Simply the best. A class act all the way. Although rough, Slantmouth may just have to start enforcing that eighth deadly sin. So many jerks, so little time.

~The Colonel