THE VAULT

A Fistful of Taxpayers Dollars
September 24, 2007 by The Colonel

Dealing out Justice by capping the innocent.

Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.

So, when I heard about these gents from Blackwater USA (bad-ass cowboy name, right?) shooting up a bunch of innocent, unarmed civilians, I thought, “Sure, that’s what cowboys do.” Sometimes to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some eggs. Sometimes those eggs are people, right? It’s a dirty job, and these guys are getting paid a tremendous amount of money to do it. It would stand to reason that they were getting shot at or something, and had to shoot through the innocent, unarmed civilians to get the bad guys. It’s nothing any other cowboy wouldn’t do. Ask Clint Eastwood; he’s shot through his fair share of pretend innocents.

If there is a place for cowboys in this crazy, work-a-day world, it is Iraq. Sand, guns, villains, townsfolk, backroom dealings, and swearwords: Iraq’s got it all! People should probably start to consider it the new Wild West. But there’s one crucial difference between Iraq and the old Wild West: video cameras. So, when Iraqi officials claimed they had a video tape of these old-fashioned Blackwater cowboys gunning down innocent people without being fired upon, things got a little tense, the ineffective Iraqi government that we want so badly to stand on its own two feet suddenly did, and they ordered these cowboys out of their country.

This is where the story gets funny, don’t everyone laugh at once: the United States Government told them “No.” Why would they contradict this nation clearly trying to look out of the good of its people for once? There are about 127,000 security contractors in Iraq, meaning their ranks are roughly equivalent to the total number of U.S. troops.

Better yet, these “security contractors” are essentially outside the law! They aren’t bound by military laws or rules of engagement. And due to a directive issued by U.S. occupation authorities in 2004, all U.S. personnel have the luxury of immunity from prosecution under Iraqi law.

Perhaps I was wrong about these guys being cowboys after all. These aren’t ordinary cowboys, these guys are bone fide outlaws. Turns out when you send in a bunch of outlaws to do a sheriff’s job, they run around killing people for no good reason and pissing everyone off. Looks like Iraq needs one hell of a sheriff, and the staff here at Slantmouth hope he gets there real soon.

~The Colonel