THE VAULT

2008, a Marginally Sober Look Ahead
January 2, 2008 by The Colonel

Champagne, like bitterness, flows freely on New Years' Eve

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

We, like most, entered 2007 with the hope of the New Year and, like most other years, we were sorely disappointed. So, instead of looking back at a year that was deemed by most to be crappy at best and an absolute, screaming crap storm of loathing by others, we proudly present things to look forward to in the grand year of 2008.

An End to the Writers’ Strike
It’s true, we like TV. In fact, when we’re not writing articles, plotting the demise of our arch-nemeses, or unwarrantedly punishing interns, we’re probably watching TV. Face it; the situation in the world right now isn’t exactly watching a kitten pillow fight with a puppy. The world is bleak! But, with the return of all of our favorite shows, maybe we’ll actually be able to stop crying long enough to put some monkeys behind the typewriters once again!

Spring!
You’re sitting there thinking, sure, “Colonel, you magnificent jackass, that happens every year,” but guess what, bitches? Global warming’s going to get this Spring’s party started early. Plus, if last year’s Fall is any indication, we’ll start getting Spring part two every year now. Second Spring? Springtember? We’re open to naming suggestions, but let’s get the ball rolling.

Landing of the Phoenix spacecraft
On May 25, 2008, the Phoenix spacecraft will touch down on the remote, icy northern polar region of Mars and drill a hole or something. Why would scientists want to do such a thing? Because that’s what scientists do. If they didn’t launch stuff and drill holes in things, who would?

Elections and the Beginning of the End
It’s been a tough 8 years folks, but the fear-addled stumbling is almost over, only to give way to, well… who the hell knows? Rest assured it’ll likely be more of the same. Granted, there are a couple of bright spots on the horizon, and maybe a dark horse will emerge to smite all of these jerk-wad, cookie cutter, front-runner douche bags with the might of the forefathers, but the odds are slim. Put it this way, if the big two wind up going head to head, Slantmouth will be coming to you from the lovely nation of Iceland. We hear those peace-loving Icelanders are all about freedom of press!

Truly, it’s hard to say what 2008 will hold. Perhaps a glorious return of all the things that the last several years have mercilessly stripped from us, like Habeas Corpus. Perhaps even more will be taken away, like the ability to write this article. Whatever the outcome, Slantmouth wishes everyone an awesome and prosperous New Year, even if that means seeking prosperity in some fanciful new land.

~The Colonel