THE VAULT

Sports Monkey: World Series 2006
October 21, 2006 by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

Tonight’s the first game of the 2006 World Series, where the Saint Louis Cardinals will face off against the Detroit Tigers.

Before I start the preview for this series let me just say a few things; I know a lot of people don’t really care for baseball. The main complaint is that it’s boring. The people who say that are crazy and possibly brain damaged. Don’t listen to them. What could possibly be wrong with a sport that allows you to sit on your ass and drink for three straight hours? Let me tell you: nothing! You should immediately start punching anyone who says different in the face. Facial bruising will help them remember. It’s one of the laws of the jungle.

Also, if any of those smartasses wants to talk about how a lot of baseball players look about as athletic as Danny DeVito on a mescaline bender, they couldn’t be more wrong. These guys are athletes. They have to run and sometimes jump. Not to mention, hit a baseball, which is one of the most difficult feats in all of sports. Just because a few guys look like they spent the night before the game sitting on their couch with a bucket of Haagen-Dazs, while fast-forwarding to the nude scenes in a B-movie, does not discount all of the guys who actually take care of themselves.

Now, back to the game.

Normally, in a preview of a World Series match up this is the part where we’d go through the stats, the season series, the marquee players, etc., but that would be a waste of time.

First off, I can’t even bother watching National League games, so I have no idea what the hell is going on over there. It’s like watching a minor league game, but on national television. In an actual minor league game, if I see incompetent play I can deal with it. These aren’t the best players in the world. They’re playing for the love of the game and to achieve their dream of one day playing in the big leagues.

What I can’t deal with is seeing that same incompetent play (I accidentally typed “impotent play” there initially, but who can blame me) where instead the players are making millions and doing secret handshake celebrations after homeruns. I don’t even know how the Cardinals got there. For all I know there was a terrible railway accident and all of the other teams were brutally killed.

So, instead of the usual analysis I’m just going to predict the outcome of this series based on which mascot would win in a fistfight. If we put the Cardinals Fredbird in a steel cage with the Tigers Paws, after a short and bloody battle, Paws would come out victorious. It’s a tiger against a small bird. How could the tiger not win? Besides, this tiger is from Detroit, so he’s probably packing heat. Don’t think he’d hesitate to pull out the heater against a guy named “Fredbird”, who’s already near the front of the line for mascots who should be violently assaulted because of their name. Two birds. One stone.

On top of that, the Cardinals’ best player is named Albert Pujols (pronounced Poo – Holes). If he were a prince we’d have a real winner on our hands. Trust me, I know a little something about poo.

Happy rioting Detroit.

~Damien Atlas Sports Monkey