THE VAULT

Toxic the Kid
October 24, 2007 by The Colonel

Your destruction is guaranteed, Communist scum!

In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.

Of course, in the same way, we’ve never been exposed to anything like Purell. We always had germs to keep our immune systems fighting, thus stronger. Your tiny white blood cells, act like millions of Mike Tysons (minus the crazy), fighting to keep you healthy. Now, they get no training. No action. They get fat, lazy, and possibly go on drug binges, who knows? Your immune system has become the Britney Spears of your body, and it’s going to take a miracle for anyone to bring that sexy back. It is a very odd time.

But odder than anything, according to Dr. Leo Transande, as reported by CNN, is that “rates of asthma, childhood cancers, birth defects and developmental disorders have exponentially increased…” due to “…all the chemicals we’re being exposed to.” We are all exposed to toxic chemicals, carcinogens, fire retardants, but the focus here is one small boy: Rowan Hammond.

Rowan, only 5 years old, has a virtual cocktail of hazardous chemicals flowing through his veins, but the boy seems just as happy as any other. So, what exactly is going on here? He has more flame retardants in his body than was required to kill rats tested in various studies. One may reason that this boy is not poisoned at all, rather, perhaps the next step in the evolutionary process. This boy may in fact be invulnerable.

For the parents, showing concern for their boy may seem like a good idea, but not testing his obvious gifts seems like a crime. Seriously, he has flame retardants in his blood, is he even effected by burns? Isn’t a little due diligence required when you may have the next Superman making mud pies and wetting himself?

For the sake of scientific research, the staff here at Slantmouth have been conducting experiments (unbeknownst to the subjects) to determine whether or not toxic chemicals can actually be used to create super-people like they have in so many of our favorite comic books.

Subject K-1486, Intern #78, Flame retardants:

Day 1: Subject has been injected with several forms of flame retardants at a medium dosage. When greeted in the hall by researcher, Col. Moses Blackwell, subject seemed amicable, though confused why The Colonel acknowledged him with a greeting rather than a swift backhand or degrading remark.

Day 6: Subject’s injections have continued regularly over the last 5 days, usually administered during Intern Nap Time. Confronted with an expertly tossed Molotov Cocktail from one Mr. Julius Serpentine, the Subject ran about screaming, until finally responding to several shouts of “Stop, drop, and roll, you plebe!” from The Colonel.

Day 10: Dosage on regular injections is now increased. Subject seems lethargic and randomly irritable. When greeted in the hall, the previous amicable remark was replaced with an utterance of swears and mutterings about violent retribution toward the “demi-gods of funk”. Subject is clearly going off the rails.

Day 12: Subject has lost control of his bowels at minimum of 3 separate instances during the day. It is uncertain if any other “oopsies” have been hidden from researchers. Subject seems to be unable to perform normal tasks, appears to be drooling and slow-witted for no particular reason.

Day 15: Subject foaming from the mouth and in what appears to be a coma and/or black nightmare. Experiment terminated.

Results: Flame retardants in high dosages cause some flame retardation, mostly just the regular kind.

Subject F-7789, Hot Dog, Radiation:

Day 1: Subject put on a microwave-safe plate, put into microwave. Microwave device engaged. Subject seems warm and likely tasty. Seems reasonable to place Subject on a bun and cover with a mixture of ketchup and mustard. Experiment terminated.

Results: Delicious.

Subject Q-9733, Intern #326, Toxic ooze:

Day 1: Subject advised to take a bath using “Julius Serpentine’s patented hormone-enriching lather”. Subject quickly began to experience a sensation described as “burning”. Was assured that this meant the product was working.

Day 4: Subject now sporting what appears to be a healthy tan; however the change in melanin is likely full-body skin cancer.

Day 5: Subject’s skin has fallen off, however seems perfectly happy walking around as a man made of muscle. May be impervious to pain, as his nervous system has apparently gone completely numb.

Day 7: Subject has disappeared from the testing facility and escaped into the woods screaming, “Khhhkfffkffktttttt!” It would appear that his nervous system reactivated. Researchers attempted to help before escape, but couldn’t understand a word of his wailing, as his lips were lost on Day 5. Experiment terminated.

Results: Toxic ooze in small doses likely to produce a killer tan with some side effects, nothing worse than most other pharmaceuticals. High doses not recommended, unless you’re going for that muscley look.

That pretty much cinches it folks, while genetic mutations may produce some pretty awesome freaks, you just can’t make awesome ass-kicking mutants by cramming some random chemicals into someone’s bloodstream, or tricking them to bathe with them. It turns out; radiation makes for some pretty awesome hot dogs, though. While the staff here at Slantmouth isn’t sure if that kid, Rowan Hammond, is some sort of super-awesome mutant, we can be sure; he sure inspired us to have a lot of fun.

~The Colonel