THE VAULT

Take the Blue Pill, Retard
August 2, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

No, the blue one! Christ... no, the OTHER blue!

In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.

These newly discovered magic chemicals have been shown to improve fat-burning and muscle retention, as well as greatly increase endurance in experiments conducted on mice. If human trials are successful, this could open the lazy man’s version of Pandora’s Box, containing various things that pills can be substituted for, in lieu of actually trying to do them. We brought all of the top minds together at Slantmouth to figure out the kinds of activities lazy people would rather avoid, and instead take a pill to accomplish, so we could help humanity and make a lot of money off of them.

Playing with Your Children
Children are hard work and entertaining their simple minds can be physically taxing, not to mention boring. How many times can you throw a ball back and forth with your child before you want to tell him or her to get a real job? What if there was a pill that gave them all of the childhood memories of playing with you, without actually having to spend anytime with your precious little time-sink with legs? You’re in luck! A new pill will make your child’s muscles fatigued and their minds susceptible to hypnotic suggestion. As they ask, “Dad, why are my legs sore?”, you can tell them of the wonderful time you had playing catch with them. They will, of course, fondly smile, even if they have no recollection of that ever happening, just so they don’t disappoint you. In time, the lies will take hold and your children will love you for always being there when they were growing up, while in reality you were watching “Law and Order” reruns in your underpants.

Writing Your “Satirical” Website
Writing can sometimes be difficult and frustrating, so why even bother trying, right? A new pill will stimulate the limp creative center of your brain and coax it into coming up with a steady stream of turgid garbage, requiring little to no thought from you. In no time at all, you’ll be churning out top ten lists; articles that center around the use of a single pun or stories that have the word “funny” in them in order to remind the audience that they’re supposed to laugh. Your “accomplishments” will lead your friends into not expressing how terrible you are, because “at least he’s doing something productive.” Lucky for you, they’ll also keep reading your crap to avoid an awkward situation where you may ask them what they thought about a particular piece. “Oh, yeah! I thought basing your entire article on how Dick Cheney sort of looks like the Emperor from Star Wars was a great idea! More Wookie jokes, please!”

Death
Are you too lazy to bother living, but too lazy to even plan your less than tragic death? Well, have we got news for you! A new pill will end your meaningless existence in less time than it will take you to read this sentence. That’s right; if you had taken the pill before you read the last sentence you would have no idea what this sentence says because you would be dead. Jackass. I didn’t even feel bad saying that, since you’d never know I said it.

You may be thinking that there are already pills that can take your life, but let’s be honest, who has time for fifteen sleeping pills? What if you get cold feet and only take the first eight pills of the recommended death course? You’ll likely put yourself through a lot of unnecessary pain. Don’t take any chances and end your lazy life at your earliest convenience. We’re thinking of calling it, “The Morning After You Realize Your Life Sucks Pill”.

The brainstorming process really seemed to tap a bitter vein here at Slantmouth, and even if that bitterness didn’t help us give our lovely readers content, we feel that bitterness is its own reward. However, now that we have seen the terrible vision that awaits us, now that Pandora’s Lazy Box is open, we want to shut that bitch up as quickly as possible. If it was possible to keep it closed with a single joke or cutting piece of satire, the Internet has led me to believe that only one joke would be up to the task.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Win.”

“Win who?”

“Mace Windu!”

Someone, kill me.

~Julius Serpentine