THE VAULT

Science Monkey: The Wildly Gay Kingdom?
January 5, 2007 by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

A new exhibition in Oslo is stirring controversy for its portrayal of various animals being homosexual. As odd as this sounds, apparently there are a lot of animals that are gay. It is behavior found in mammals and birds worldwide, and the question is: is this normal? Coming from a scientific standpoint, no. Normal means that a majority of animals would have to be “batting for the Yankees,” when in fact, the true percentages hover somewhere around 10%, which is just a little more than human percentages. And frankly, when it comes to humans, you are a little prone to lying, so we’ll assume 10% is relatively universal.

Of course, like humans, some animals are much gayer than others. The whale, for example, partakes in something known as “penis fencing.” I’m not even going to start to describe that because I think it pretty much explains itself. And while I’ve heard of the odd instance of a crazy monkey orgy, they usually happen at parties, and well, I don’t get invited to those kinds of parties.

Predictably, preachers and priests all across Norway are in an uproar over the exhibit. One priest even suggested the money would be better spent attempting to “cure gay animals.” Preposterous! I don’t know about him, but I’m not trying to stand between two horny monkeys let alone some hopped-up gay bison, or a raging gay rhino.

The question is this: can people be gay? Sure they can. And animals? Apparently so, but does that mean just because they can, they should? Probably not, and considering that some of us mammals have larger brains, perhaps we should focus on more important things, like inventing hot, robotic women to make me dinner. A monkey’s got to eat!

~Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey