THE VAULT

Science but Deadly
April 3, 2006 by The Colonel

SCIENCE!

This week, the team here at Slantmouth could report on a lot of topics. Sure, the 911 emergency calls from September 11th were released this week, and the war in Iraq waged for yet another week, but what about the news that really matters? Science moves us forward and brings us mind-blowing innovations, like the silly straw. Without science, your puny brain wouldn’t even be able to read the greatness that we spew weekly, let alone comprehend it. So in an effort to bring you what you sorely demand (Science!) Slantmouth, as always, delivers. Now, fellow monkeys, feast upon the glory that is science!

Living on a Prayer

In a study released last week, scientists have proven that prayers do nothing. And by nothing, apparently we mean increase the complications during heart surgery by around 14%. Complications arose in 52% of those who were prayed for compared to 51% of those who weren’t. Surprisingly, 100% of those who were punched in the heart during surgery died on the operating table.

All participants in the study were prayed for by three US Christian congregations faith, which led scientist to believe, that indeed they may have chosen the wrong religion. Although the prayers were standardized, at least 22% of those praying have openly admitted that they were praying their “prayee” would have complications and/or spontaneously burst into flames. There was a 1% occurrence of spontaneous combustion in the study.

It's not a Tumor!

In other awesome science news, we’re all going to get brain cancer! Yes that cell phone that we all love chatting on certainly doesn’t love us. In a current study, some dirty Swedes at the Swedish National Institute for Working Life compared cell phone use of 2,200 patients with malignant tumors and an equal number of healthy control cases. Among those chosen, 905 had a malignant brain tumor, one third of those were heavy cell phone users, and seven eighths of those were total jerks.

Kjell Mild, lead author of the study said, “The way to get the risk down is to use hands free.” It looks like those inconsiderate jerks on Nextel walkie-talkies will finally have the last laugh.

The Final Bikini Party Frontier

Brazil’s first astronaut, or as they’re called in every other country but the US, cosmonaut was sent into space. However, seeing the earth in all its majesty from several miles in orbit wasn’t his only goal. The first Brazilian spaceman had his site set on a much loftier target.

“My intention,” said Marcos Pontes, space explorer, “is to host the world’s first Space Bikini Party.” Many have brought into question the logistics of such a feat. To this, spaceman Pontes replied, “It’s a very good feeling but a great responsibility. It’ll be totally kick ass. We bring some Bacardi, the winners of the 2009 Miss Thonged Up Brazil Pageant, whoever they’ll be, and a whole bunch of cigars. We should start doing space Brazilian style.”

NASA was quick to comment on such an endeavor. Top space scientist and 30th level wizard in D & D, Johansson Lilipants said, “We have a hard enough time getting 3 or 4 fully trained scientists into space, let alone a gaggle of bronzed, bikini, bimbos. NASA wants nothing to do with this. And about the cigars? It’ll blow the ship to kingdom come. Mr. Pontes is a raging idiot.”

As always, Slantmouth supports any and all scientific endeavors- especially when they relate to either death rays or bikini parties. And of course, we condemn NASA and their closed, giant minds.

I'm Learnding!

What have we learned this week? Well, we’ve learned that all that help you’ve been praying for just isn’t coming, and that if you get punched in the heart during surgery, you will die. We also learned that cell phones are tools sent here by the devil. They cause car accidents; they turn people into babbling morons, and apparently, kill you from cancer to the brain. And finally, we learned that when you put a Brazilian in space, you should expect them to want to immediately get drunk and have a wicked bikini party.

We salute you, Science, and all that you stand for! Especially bikini parties.

~The Colonel