THE VAULT

Saving Private Daylight
March 12, 2007 by The Colonel

Daylight savings: Good to the last drop.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

But, like with any change, there are definitely detractors. The change could also cost the transportation industry millions, as it would throw their schedules with the rest of the world off even more. Farmers across the nation will apparently lose an hour of precious daylight, however when Slantmouth attempted to point out that most of the animals (with the exception of the mule) don’t use clocks, the farmers that we interviewed glazed over with a collective look of confusion, issued a simultaneous, “Uhhhh…” then fell unconscious.

The direct effects of the change, while beneficial (because it will eliminate 10.8 million metric tons of carbon emissions per year) will not do much to stem the other 5.8 billion metric tons that the United States produced in 2004 alone. In other words, it’s quite possible that we like to cure gangrene with Band-Aids.

Slantmouth has to say, daylight-savings, while seemingly making things a little better for folks that get depressed in the winter, or some of us who are less than tan, the truth is that no matter what time it is, we’re honestly not going to be saving any daylight. In the summer, the days are longer, in the winter, they’re shorter, but how does the hour change affect us at all?

The difference of an hour isn’t that much of a big deal. Sure, you might miss an important business meeting, or really piss off the girl you planned on seeing this weekend, but don’t count on it to do so much as ruin your Monday.

If you’re in doubt of whether daylight-savings is, indeed, a bunch of crap, just ask the metric system. We’re pretty sure that guy has an idea about the U.S. being logical about decisions. That is why today, despite the possible ramifications, Slantmouth is boycotting both non-metric measurement AND daylight-savings time. With your support, we could be drinking pints and the workers of American could never bitch about how that missing (or gaining) an hour is totally “throwing them off.” Really, it’s ridiculous.

~The Colonel