THE VAULT

Recession Depressions
June 3, 2008 by The Colonel

They couldn't be happier if they were on Valium.

Times are tough. We probably don’t have to do a whole lot of explaining before you figure out how bad things are. Gas prices are soaring, the economy is in recession (or is it!?)… hell, even food is more expensive than it used to be. Slantmouth Headquarters cut off the air conditioning months ago, and we’re still suffering! Things are just too expensive. If it weren’t for the fact that we have interns to do most of the work, I wouldn’t even have the energy to write this article. Fortunately, I can just switch interns every paragraph, as the previous one passes out from heat exhaustion.

Needless to say, we’ve been thinking. With oil being expensive enough to make most legitimately consider taking public transportation, the age of the automobile may be dwindling. But the notion of our citizens being crammed in next to each other, speeding along in a metallic tube, makes our patriotic stomachs do backflips. Is there no better way?

We already know that corn’s not going to work. Think about it! If we use all of the corn to fuel our cars, what’s going to be left to make High Fructose Corn Syrup? Some naysayers think we should revert back to using sugar in our delicious Coca-Cola, but that notion only takes me back to the days of New Coke, and we all know how that turned out: by going back to Classic. Plus, there’s that whole thing about farmers switching over to growing corn instead of wheat to rake in record profits, due to government subsidies. Thanks, Uncle Sam, for letting the farmers get rich, as usual, at the expense of the rest of us.

Clearly, none of this will work. The time has come for bold decisions, and as we already know, the man who usually makes those bold decisions already has. In his State of the Union address some two years ago, the President stated, “Tonight, I will propose a bill, that will institute the creation of orphan factories, all over the United States. For too long our goods have been produced overseas, by child-run sweatshops. In order to boost our economy, we will begin providing these countries with their orphans, creating an orphan exportation industry of over 4 billion dollars annually. And who says America doesn’t have exports anymore?” continuing, “I propose using the very same factory-produced orphans that will boost our exports, as a cleaner, cheaper, more reliable fuel, that will some day be converted into an efficient energy source for our automobiles and homes. We will call it Orphanoleum.”

While the rest of the world scoffed and drunkenly moseyed away from our leader, Slantmouth got to work. Today, we’d like to announce that Slantmouth Headquarters will turn its air conditioners back to “Ball Freezing” because we’re running on 100% unadulterated, state of the art, pure, patented Orphanoleum.

Clean, efficient, renewable… Orphanoleum has it all. If you’d like to have your business running on clean efficient Orphanoleum, contact Slantmouth today! A friendly orphan, waiting eagerly to be turned into the fuel of tomorrow, is standing by.

~The Colonel