THE VAULT

Frogs in Heat
January 16, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

In a devastating blow to biodiversity, almost two-thirds of the 110 known species of harlequin frogs have gone extinct in Central and South America. Many scientists have been left scratching their bald, spectacled heads over this mass extinction.

The global scientific community, gravely concerned, has assembled a number of theories. In a major summit held in Rwanda, the world’s leading veterinary frog specialists discussed a few of the possibilities:

  • A new species was introduced into the ecosystem through the smuggling of Florida oranges, favored by the locals in the region. A small percentage of Florida oranges are known to contain the eggs of many unspeakably monstrous horrors buried deep within their succulent slices. Usually the environment in the US is not suitable for the eggs to hatch, but much of Central and South America is perfect for incubation. Upon hatching, the creatures proceeded to rape and pillage the whole of harlequin frog society.
  • Due to increased promiscuity in recent years, frog-specific venereal diseases ravaged the population. The main culprit was likely Frog Genital Decimation Syndrome (FGDS). This disease causes the reproductive organs of amphibians to shrivel up and die, occasionally falling off completely and resembling an old raisin. Without the ability to procreate, the population decreased into extinction.
  • At least some of the decrease in population can be attributed, according to some veterinarians, to sectarian violence by frog devotees of Quetzalcoatl. Conflicts arose over the true nature of Quetzalcoatl and if he was indeed the god of frog sustenance, re-birth, and health benefits.

After much debate, it was determined that the real culprit was global warming, already responsible for climate changes, poorly constructed websites, and Courtney Love.

Global warming causes cooler days and warmer nights on the tropical mountains that the harlequin frogs inhabit. These new weather conditions provide the environment for the chytrid fungus to thrive. This fungus supposedly clings to the skin of amphibians and causes disease, eventually leading to death.

The Fungus Defamation League was outraged by these allegations. In a statement, the organization stated, “Once again anti-fungi sentiment is being spread through the guise of science. These lies will only fuel more discrimination and violence. We hope you are happy with yourselves.”

In a more effective move, scientists, environmental advocates, and hippies organized an emergency summit in Washington, DC. Former film and television star Kermit the Frog led the charge. Already an advocate of amphibian rights, Kermit, Frogmopolitan Magazine’s Sexiest Frog Alive 1955-1997, jumped at the opportunity to champion anything that would raise his profile.

The aim of the summit was to raise awareness of global warming and pressure President Bush to take measures to avert further tragedies. When informed of the mass extinction of frogs and it’s link to global warming the President reportedly said, “Eewwww. Frogs are gross.”

During the keynote speech, Kermit made quite a few poignant remarks:

“I’d like to thank you for this opportunity. When the group of dorky-looking scientists asked me to give this speech I was really surprised. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I’ve been out of the public eye for a few years and I didn’t think anyone remembered me. I mean, I recently starred in a BMW commercial and I make guest appearances wherever they’ll have me. I’m not picky. I’ve been on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition for God’s sake. I guess I didn’t realize I still had star power.”

Then later:

“I apologize. I don’t want to make this whole speech about me. Let’s talk about the issue at hand. In Central and South America frogs are dying from the effects of global warming. I am a frog.”

Midway through:

“The rumors about me trying to drown myself in my own bathtub are untrue. Seriously, I’m amphibious. How does that even make any sense? And, no, I did not drink bleach and, no, I did not have my stomach pumped.”

An impassioned Kermit continued:

“The blood of my amphibian brothers and sisters is on your hands Mr. President! It’s time to take action! Don’t think Kermit won’t come over there and break your face!”

After stumbling to the ground, Kermit returned to the podium and assured the crowd that he had an inner ear infection that affected his balance and was, in fact, not intoxicated. He continued, gratuitously referring to himself in the third-person:

“We have to stop the unnecessary deaths of all of these frog females. Kermit’s not getting any younger. Kermit’s looks are fading. If the pool of available females gets smaller Kermit’s not going to be very happy. And, no, Kermit’s not desperate enough to shack up with Miss Piggy. Kermit’s got standards.”

Kermit concluded:

“Niggas don’t know! It ain’t easy being green.

It is unclear what long-term effect the summit will have on Congress and the White House. What is clear is that someone has to step up to the plate and take charge while Kermit is down with an inner ear infection. Slantmouth is sponsoring a hotline that concerned individuals can call to donate money to help survivors and families who have been affected by the mass extinction. Donations will also be used to repopulate the areas devastated by this tragedy.

Please call 1-866-FROG-SEX. Operators are standing by.

~Julius Serpentine