THE VAULT

Faces Of Life
February 13, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

A Mime with a Mission

The staff at Slantmouth thinks you should know who Isabelle Dinoire is and what we think is, clearly, very important. She is the French woman who had the world’s first Slantmouth transplant. The first of many future transplants, no doubt.

Slantmouth is always trying to diversify the number of services that we provide to The People. This world is a dark place and we are committed to being a guiding light. After much spirited debate and a few knife wounds, it was decided that world domination as a method of guidance was a bit out of reach for at least another two weeks. So instead, it was concluded that we would provide a grant for deserving individuals, who needed major cosmetic surgery.

Applications were accepted and the Slantmouth Processing Division meticulously screened all submissions. Strippers requesting breast implants were automatically rejected, though John Goodman’s breast reduction request went fairly far in the process before being rejected.

After going through several thousand applications, and reading enough scrawling from people with low self-esteem to make us violent, Slantmouth found just the right application.

Isabelle Dinoire, a divorced mother of two, took some “drugs to forget” her problems “after a very disturbing week and with lots of personal worries”. This was a red flag for the Slantmouth staff. Suicide attempts always catch our attention because, like your mother, we care.

Under the influence of sleeping pills Isabelle proceeded to smear ground beef all over her face. The reason she did this is a great, unsolved mystery, like the location of Atlantis, or the construction method of the pyramids.

The pills were potent enough that “she passed out and fell against a piece of furniture”. While she lay unconscious her Black Labrador chewed off the lower part of her face. The question of why such a loving creature would do something some thing so horrible went unanswered as the Black Lab fled to South America. The dog’s whereabouts are still unknown.

When Isabelle finally awoke she did not realize what had happened, until she tried to smoke a cigarette and was unable to hold it between her lips. This was likely because her dog had ingested them. She was horrified when she went to the mirror and saw what had become of her face. Fortunately, because she recognized her disfigurement she was able to promptly call for an ambulance. Phillip-Morris quickly released a statement: “Don’t say cigarettes never did anything good.

Isabelle was alive but far from well. She could not walk outside without getting stared at, even when she wore a surgical mask. Most people thought it was odd that she was trying to protect her self from SARS, when there had been no threat of the disease spreading to France. It never occurred to her that she could follow the lead of a facially disfigured pop star in order to hide her face.

Her confidence had hit an all-time low. She confided in her application that she would have tried to take sleeping pills again but, after her accident, she could no longer close her mouth to swallow them. The realization that made her the unhappiest was that AOL Instant Messenger emoticons could express a wider range of emotions than her face could.

After Slantmouth decided on our candidate and cried heartily for her misfortune, we put together a team of doctors doing ambitious research into experimental facial surgery. They had previously used Michael Jackson as a sort of “sandbox” to try out many of their experiments. Most recently, since Jackson had long ago had his testicles removed to maintain his singing voice, the team used his scrotal tissue to rebuild his nose. If they could do that, then anything was possible.

Now the only thing that was left to do was find a donor. Months went by and no donor could be found. The situation was desperate enough that the Slantmouth staff was considering turning to the black market for a fresh face. Thankfully, it wasn’t necessary because, as luck would have it, a 46-year-old woman committed suicide. The woman’s family agreed to donate her face.

There was much rejoicing at Slantmouth headquarters. We went out for ice cream, using the money received from returning the black market face. This taught us a valuable lesson about always keeping the receipt.

With a face prepared, the operation took place. It was a profound success. Isabelle now had a face and she could return to a normal life, which would include lots of cigarette smoking.

Many of the major global tobacco companies have been involved in a bidding war vying for her services as a spokeswoman. Some of the suggested taglines have included: “Not even a dog chewing off half my face could stop me from enjoying a Newport”, “The threat of my body rejecting my new face can’t hold me back from a Marlboro” and “These babies saved my life”.

Isabelle hopes to parlay her newfound fame into a film career. She’s already signed to star in a film adaptation of her life; set to be directed by John Woo. Some changes will likely be made to make the story a bit more exciting. A change seen in early versions of the script included her fighting her Black Lab with two handguns akimbo. The working title of the movie is Face/Off, reported because she will be an ex-NHL player in the film.

Her agent is currently negotiating to have her star in a remake of the horror classic Bride of Chucky. A book deal is also in the works. A memoir, entitled A Million Chewed Little Pieces, is nearly complete. Its release is expected later this year .

She has publicly attributed her recent success to now having a Slantmouth. The Slantmouth staff couldn’t agree more. Having a Slantmouth endows the recipient with power and fame. This is a fact certified by a number of world-renowned scientists. So Slantmouth will continue to spread this extraordinary gift to as many people as possible. You should spread the Slantmouth as well. Tell them of the fame and success that comes along with having a little Slantmouth in their life.

Let’s save the world, one Slantmouth at a time.

~Julius Serpentine