THE VAULT

Earth: the Final Frontier
January 29, 2007 by The Colonel

Blast off! To dullness!

When Brian Emmet’s boyhood dream of blasting off into outer space became a reality, he couldn’t imagine what could bring him down. The answer? Uncle Sam. Although Sam has been known in the past to be a generous lover, he’s showing Mr. Emmet no such generosity. In 2005, Oracle ran a sweepstakes offering a trip to the stars for anyone who could answer a series of questions regarding Java code. Emmet won, becoming a celebrity with interviews and trade shows to boot, but once reality hit, Emmet realized that he would not be able to pay taxes on the $138,000 adventure.

“There was definitely a period of mourning. I was totally crestfallen,” Emmet told us. Unwilling to go $25,000 into tax debt or attempt to sell the ride on eBay, Emmet gave up his seat. Many feel that Uncle Sam should simply stand aside and let the poor guy fulfill his dream, but Uncle Sam has no such plans. Uncle Sam has got to get paid.

Although it sounds like Emmet’s pretty broken up about it, he shouldn’t be. Think about it, the future is now, people! In no time at all, we’re going to be going to the moon every weekend. Space will be old news and the folks here at Slantmouth thinks Brian needs to start looking ahead.

The truth is, we’re all hopped up on the notion of space travel when we hardly know anything about our own planet. Sure, space may seem romantic, but Mother Earth’s got that girl next door charm that everyone can get excited about. Just ask hippies.

The ocean, for instance, is a wildly undiscovered frontier. This vast expanse of water lures you with her majestic beauty. Its salty expanses are ninety percent unexplored! Seriously, why float around in space when you can get that feeling here at a fraction of the cost? Go fill up your bathtub and get back to me. I’m pretty sure you can feel some of that weightlessness you’ve been craving.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, Brian, and we’re not talking about dating. Have you ever seen some of the stuff in the ocean? Giant squids are only a start. Who’s to say we’re not going to find the lost city of Atlantis if we look hard enough? And who’s to say there won’t be some sort of mermaid bikini party going on down there? I guarantee you won’t find that in space. Just please, nobody tell Shatner.

Another unexplored part of our hot, hot planet is underground. Sure, most scientists think that it’s mainly molten rock and gravity, or something, but who’s to say for sure? There could be strange breeds of mole people. You want to float around in space when there may be mole people living under your feet? What happened to that American spirit of discovery?

Even if there aren’t mole people, who wouldn’t like to be the first person to reach the core of the Earth? I know I would. Regardless of the fact that doing so could send the Earth into some sort of cataclysmic death spiral, you’d be the guy planting the American flag at the core and that’s all that matters.

The point here is that instead of looking to the stars for a silver lining, we need to start looking at the things around us. Learn how to predict the weather. Figure out this whole global warming thing. Make an equation to figure out why celebrity marriages don’t last. Anything! While the some of us may think that space is the final frontier, the rest of us will be having a fine party with the women of Atlantis. Long story short, Mr. Emmet, space is for nerds. Don’t panic.

~The Colonel